Funny Short Jokes Friday Funnies #267


Everyone likes short jokes, especially if they’re really funny short jokes. That being the case I’ve decided to devote this weeks Friday Funnies to a whole heap of really funny short jokes.

In case you’re wondering where these funny jokes come from, I get them from emails that people send me. I know I may have mentioned that before but I’m putting it out there for all the new readers that continue to flood my Friday Funnies posts.

So, without further ado lets checkout my funniest funny short jokes.

The Funniest Funny Short Jokes

Picked her up in a night club. She Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman.. Danced like a woman. She even kissed like a woman! But as we arrived back at her apartment she reversed her car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement!
That’s when I thought – Hang on just a minute!

I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he’s only got one arm bless him. I shouted, “Where you off to Charlie?”

He said, “I’m off to change a light bulb.”
Well I just cracked up, couldn’t stop laughing, then said, “That’s gonna be a bit awkward isn’t it?”

“Not really,” he said. “I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard.”

I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
My next crap could spell disaster.

Went out last night and got really wasted.
I woke up this morning next to a fat old bird who was snoring and farting … so, at least I got home OK.

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.funny short jokes

“Nationality?” asks the immigration officer..

“German,” she replies.

“Occupation?

“No, just here for a few days.”

I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong.
I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do.
Then I remembered – the local cafe serve breakfast until 11.30.

“Jesus Loves You.”
Nice to hear in church but not in a Mexican prison.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.

She said, “I would like to come back as a cow.”

I said, “You’re obviously not listening.”

And so ends another Friday Funnies. I hope today’s post brought a smile to your face and that you liked it enough to share it with your friends.

You can always find more funny jokes over at my sports betting site. If you have time to kill you may even want to check out the rest of my Friday Funnies posts. Just keep in mind there’s a whole lot of them. :tongue_laugh_ee:

 

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Sex Joke Friday Funnies #266


I’m sure that I’ve included a sex joke or two in my Friday Funnies but I don’t think I’ve ever structured one around the sex joke keywords. As bloggers we all know how important keywords are to get noticed by the search engines. For this reason this week’s Friday funnies will include a sex joke or two. :devil_tb:

Now we all know how our beloved postman are sometimes known for their sexual exploits. The thing is sometimes it’s not always their fault. This story relates such a time.

Postman Pat…A Sex Joke

It was Postman Pat’s last day on the job aftersex joke 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the 3rd house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.

At the 4th house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. They then went downstairs where the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon,Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice. As she was pouring him a cup of steaming coffee, he noticed a one pound coin in the saucer.

“All this is just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the quid for?”

“Well,” said the blonde,”Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what I should give you and he said, ‘Screw him, give him a quid.'” She smiled shyly and said, “The breakfast was my idea.”

This next sex joke is an oldie. It’s so old I heard it way back when I was in high school which is some 40 odd years ago.

Three Prostitutes Sex Joke

There are these three prostitutes who meet up for coffee one night after a grueling day at work. As is the norm they discuss their daily activities. One prostitute asks the question, “How do you know when you’ve had a good night? For me I like to get home and lie beneath some satin sheets and if I feel relaxed, cool and tingly I know that I have had a good night.”

The other prostitute says, “I like to pour myself a nice shot of scotch and if I feel warm and relaxed I know I have had a good night.”

The third prostitute looks at them as if they were from another planet. She says, “You gotta be kidding me! When I get home I just rip off my panties and throw them up against the wall and if they stick there I know I’ve had a good night.”

I did a quick search and found a couple more sex jokes that you may like to read. This first one is about Martians sex. This next one is about a married hooker which I know you will like. :lol_tb:

Of course you can always get more funny sports jokes over at my sports site.

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Wedding Humour Friday Funnies #265


As Friday rolls by once again it’s time to thrill you with the latest Friday Funnies post. I thought I would make this all about wedding humour. I’m not sure how many jokes are out there about wedding humour but I got this ‘wedding humour’ joke in the mail which I thought was so funny I simply had to share it with you.

Wedding Humour To Make You Laugh

Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy’s forthcoming wedding .

“Och, it’s all goin’ pure brilliant,” says Jimmy. “Ar’ve got everythin’ organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night”.

Archie nods approvingly.

I’ve even bought a kilt to be married in!” continues Jimmy.
“A kilt?” exclaims Archie, “That’s magic, you’ll look pure smart in that. What’s the tartin?….”

“Och,” says Jimmy, “A’d imagine she’ll be in white.”

I’ve been holding onto this video for ages and just waiting for the right time to include it in one of my posts. It’s a very popular video, having received close to two million views. The email was titled Arkansas wedding and has it all, wedding humour and a very emotional speech by the father, I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.


Now not all wedding humour happens at weddings. Take the following story for example.

A young man in such a rush to get somewhere that he gets stopped for speeding. As the police officer asks him for his license the young man burts out, “But officer, I can explain……..

“Quiet,” snaps the officer. “You’re going to spend some time in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But, officer, I just wanted to say…..” says the driver.

“I thought I told you to be quiet! You’re going to jail! and that’s it”, says the officer. A few hours later the police officer checks in on his prisoner and says, “You know , you’re lucky that the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’s going to be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” says the young man forlornly. “I’m the groom.”

To finish off I put together this little bit of wedding humour using The Creator. You can click on the image to read a whole lot more wedding humour.

Wedding Humour

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