Old Ladies Funnies Friday Funnies #160

It’s still Friday morning and I’m just about to set off to work but before doing that I wanted to post this weeks Friday Funnies. The reason for that is so you guys have something to come to when you come home from a hard day at work. Todays Friday Funnies is about 5 old ladies.

5 Old Ladies

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH.

He says he to himself: “This dumb driver can be just as dangerous as those speeding wankers!”
So he
turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back…wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactlyAS I ALWAYS DO…Twenty-two kilometres an hour!”… The old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask…Is everyone in this car OK? These lovely old ladies seem awfully shaken, and they haven’t made a peep this whole time,” the officer asks.

“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189..”

That joke reminds me of a joke I did on YouTube. Nothing to do with old ladies but it does involve an old bloke.  :thumbup_ee:


After watching it again it actually does involve one old lady.  :smoke_tb:

Speaking of old ladies, looking at what some of these young women are up to these days you can just imagine what they’re all going to look like in their twilight years. I found this old ladies joke courtesy of a Google search.

old ladies in tattoos

That’s it for another Friday Funnies. Sure hope you liked it enough to share it with your mates. Don’t forget to have a great weekend.  :drunk_tb:

Don’t forget to check out my funny sports jokes.

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Bloody Aussie Pen Pushers Friday Funnies #159

Bloody pen pushers

That image leads to this weeks Friday Funnies and why I titled this post Bloody Aussie Pen Pushers. Even though I’m sure this type of bloody pen pushers exist all over the world.

I’ve printed the following letter exactly as I received it so there are a few swear words in it. Just a word of warning.  :tongue_laugh_ee:

Bloody Government Pen Pusher Are So Annoying

AN AUSTRALIAN LETTER – I THINK THE SENDER MIGHT HAVE BEEN A BIT UPSET!

This is an actual letter sent to the DFAT (Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade) Immigration Minister.. The Government tried desperately to censure the author, but got nowhere because every legal person who read it couldn’t stop laughing !

Dear Mr Minister,

 I’m in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows that I bought a television set and golf clubs and condoms from them back in 1997, and yet the Federal Government is still asking me where
I was born and on what date ?

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 40 years. It is also on my driver’s licence, on the last eight passports I’ve ever had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill out before being allowed off planes over the past 30 years. It’s also on all those insufferable census forms that I’ve filled out every 5 years since 1966.

Also… would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother’s name is Audrey, my father’s name is Jack, and I’d be absolutely bloody astounded if that ever changed between now and when I drop dead !!!

SHIT! What do you people do with all this information we keep having to provide? I apologize, Mr Minister. But I’m really pissed off this morning.

Between you and me, I’ve had enough of all this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my bloody address! What the hell is going on with your mob? Have you got a gang of mindless Neanderthal arseholes working there!

And another thing, look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I can’t even grow a beard for God’s sakes. I just want to go to New Zealand and see my new granddaughter. (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi girl).

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether or not I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? In the unlikely event I ever got the urge to do something weird to a sheep or a horse, believe you me, I’d sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, ’cause I have to go to the other side of Sydney , and get another bloody copy of my birth certificate – and to part with another $80 for the privilege of accessing MY OWN
INFORMATION! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day?

Nooooo…that’d be too bloody easy and makes far too much sense. You would much prefer to have us running all over the bloody place like chickens with our heads cut off, and then having to find some ‘high-society’ wanker to confirm that it’s really me in the goddamn photo! You know the photo… the one where we’re not allowed to smile?…you bloody morons.

Signed – An Irate Australian Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting someone in ‘high-society’ to confirm that it’s me? Well, my family has been in this country since before 1820! In 1856, one of my forefathers took up arms with Peter Lalor. (You do remember the Eureka Stockade!)

I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army for something over 30 years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high security clearances. I’m also a personal friend of the president of the RSL….Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card each year.

However, your rules require that I have to get someone “important” to verify who I am; you know…someone like my doctor – WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN BLOODY PAKISTAN!…a country where they either assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers – and are suspended from
the Commonwealth and United Nations for not having the “right sort of government”..

You are all pen-pushing paper-shuffling bloody idiots!

What makes this so funny is its so bloody true. I can totally relate to it as I’m sure you can as well.

For more funny jokes you can always hop over to my Funny Sports Jokes.

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Funniest Joke Friday Funnies #158

There are heaps of jokes that claim to be the funniest joke around. Truth be told though like beauty is in the eye of the beholder the grading the funniest joke all depends on the recipient. As an Aussie I reckon this weeks Friday Funnies is one of the funniest jokes I’ve heard. Thing is what I consider to be the funniest joke as an Aussie may not appeal to a Yank or even a European. I’d be really interested as to whether you think this is one of the funniest jokes you’ve heard.

Funniest Joke Drinking With Jesus

An Australian, an Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. It was a man.

The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out ‘My God, I know who that man is. It’s Jesus!’

The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table. The Irishman calls out, ‘Hey! You!!! Are you Jesus?’

The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. Yes, I am Jesus’ he says.

The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him ‘I’d like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me..’ So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table.

Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.

The Englishman then calls out, ‘Errr, excuse me Sir, but would you be Jesus?’

Jesus smiles and says, ‘Yes, I am Jesus.’

The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a Pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus. This the bartender duly does.

As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.

Then the Australian calls out, ‘Oi, you! D’ya reckon you’re Jesus, or what?’

Jesus nods and says, ‘Yes, I am Jesus.’

The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over Pot of Victoria Bitter for Jesus, this he accepts with pleasure.

Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. Oh God, the arthritis is gone,’ he says. ‘The arthritis I’ve had for years is gone. It’s a miracle!’

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman’s eyes widen in shock. By Jove’, he exclaims, ‘The migraine I’ve had for over 40 years is completely gone. It’s a Miracle!’

Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face.

The Aussie whispers. ‘Piss off mate, I’m on Workers Comp’

Funniest Image

funniest joke

That’s it for this weeks Friday Funnies. What do you reckon, do they stack up in the funniest joke category?

 

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