Great Jokes Friday Funnies #142

It’s been a pretty busy week this week. I produced a couple of videos, one which you’ll see at the bottom of this post, written several posts and worked a fair bit around the house. Even so I’ve still had time to find some great jokes for this weeks Friday Funnies.

Have you ever picked up a girl, gone over to her place and then noticed some blokes photo on the nightstand? Well this first great joke has a lot to do with that awkward situation.

Great Jokes That Make You Laugh

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman’s
nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. ‘Is this your husband?’ he nervously asks.

‘No, silly,’ she replies, snuggling up to him.

‘Your boyfriend, then?’ he continues.

‘No, not at all,’ she says, nibbling away at his ear.

‘Is it your dad or your brother?’ he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

‘No, no, no! You are so hot when you’re jealous!’ she answers.

‘Well, who in the hell is he, then?’ he demands.

She whispers in his ear ‘That’s me before the surgery.’

As part of this weeks great jokes I have a few images for you. The first one is about mobile phones. This one is funny because it’s so true.

Great jokes

Funny as that image I have to admit that it’s a pretty sorry state of affairs.

Have you every had someone ask you a really stupid question? This one happened at a doctor’s office.

great jokes at the doctors officeOK, the next video isn’t really full of great great jokes. It does contain some of those special frozen moments in time. You know the ones. When a photographer manages to take a perfectly timed photo! Usually when the subject is caught in a compromising situation. Well, I managed to find some of those photos and I’ve added a bit of dialogue in an attempt to make them funny.

I originally put this video together fas part of my “Photos Of Hot Sports Women” post.

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Kiwi Joke Friday Funnies #141

Hey guys, welcome to this weeks Friday Funnies #141. Today I’ve going to take you to another part of the world, one which I don’t think we have visited before. Even though today’s joke takes place in Australia it’s poking fun at a New Zealander, or as we lovingly refer to them Kiwi’s. So, without further ado I give you our first ever kiwi Joke.

Kiwi Joke

Kiwi Joke

 Wiremu, a New Zealander, was on the dole in Australia but about to fly home to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.

“Hey doc, I dun’t feel so good, ey!” said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.

“No way, doc,” replied Wiremu. “I’m gitting a sicond opinion, ey!”

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also 
advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. 
Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around 
the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last 
opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: “Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness, ey.”

“What’s the cure thin, doc?” asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

“Wull, Wiremu”, said the Kiwi doctor, “Wi’re gonna huv to cut off your balls.”

“Phew, thunk god for thut!” said Wiremu, “Those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!”   :lol_tb:  

Just goes to show how language can sometimes lead to funny situations.

The next joke shows how sometimes thinking outside the box can resolve problems.

Sleeping with Bob

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob, and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, “Man, what happened to you?

He said, “Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.”

The next night it was a different guy’s turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!

He said, ‘Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night.”
The third night was Fred’s turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man’s man. The next morning, he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. “Good morning!” he said.

They couldn’t believe it.. They said, “Man, what happened?”

He said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night.”

And so ends another Friday Funnies. Sure hope you got a kick out of it.

 

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Children Are Funny Friday Funnies #140

Children ARE funny! It’s a well known fact. Usually it’s their innocence that makes children funny.  Half the time when you’re laughing at something they’ve said or done they don’t even know why you’re laughing.

Today I got this email full of funny stuff that kids have said that will prove to everyone that children are funny.

The Children Are Funny Series

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead.
‘How do you know that the cat was dead?’ she asked her pupil.
‘Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,’ answered the child innocently.
‘You did WHAT?’ the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
‘You know,’ explained the boy, ‘I leaned over and went ‘Pssst’ and it didn’t move’

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later…..’Da-ad….’
‘What?’
‘I’m thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?’
‘No, You had your chance. Lights out.’
Five minutes later: ‘Da-aaaad…..’
‘WHAT?’
‘I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??’
‘ I told you NO! If you ask again, I’ll have to smack you!!’
Five minutes later…….’Daaaa-aaaad…..’
‘WHAT!’
‘When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?’

3.. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him ‘How do you expect to get into Heaven? ‘
The boy thought it over and said, ‘Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!”

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, ‘Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?’
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
‘I can’t dear,’ she said. ‘I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.’
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: ‘The big sissy.’

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children’s sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, ‘That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?’
The little girl replied, directly into the minister’s clip-on microphone, ‘Yes, and my Mum says it’s a bitch to iron.’

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, ‘Mummy, you are getting fat!’
I replied, ‘Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.’
‘I know,’ she replied, but what’s growing in your bum?’

7.. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, ‘Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine….’
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, ‘What are you doing?’
The little boy answered, ‘I’m doing my math homework, Mum.’
‘And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?’ the mother asked
‘Yes,’ he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, ‘What are you teaching my son in math?’
The teach er replied, ‘Right now, we are learning addition.’
The mother asked, ‘And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?’
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, ‘What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.’

8.. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.. She read, ‘… and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, ‘The sky is falling, the sky is falling!’
The teacher paused then asked the class, ‘And what do you think that farmer said?’
One little girl raised her hand and said, ‘I think he said: ‘Holy Shit! A talking chicken!”
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I’m Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter.’
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, ‘I’m Jane Sugarbrown.’
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, ‘Aren’t you Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter?’
She replied, ‘I thought I was, but mother says I’m not.’

10. A little girl asked her mother, ‘Can I go outside and play with the boys?’
Her mother replied, “No, you can’t play with the boys, they’re too rough.’
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?’

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake The barber says to her, ‘Sweetheart, you’re gonna get hair on your muffin..’
She says, ‘Yes, I know, and I’m gonna get boobs too.’

Now keep that smile on your face and share it with someone else!!

Children are funny

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