Old Age Humour Friday Funnies #138

I think its time for some more Old Age Humour for this weeks Friday Funnies.

Old Age Humour #1

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: “Then you used to kiss me.”

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: “Then you used to bite my Neck.”

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

“Where are you going?” she asked.

“To get my teeth!”

Old Age humour

Old Age Humour #2

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds
Her clenched fist in the air and announces, “Anyone who can guess what’s in
My hand can have sex with me tonight!”

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, “An elephant?”

Bessie thinks a minute and says, “Close enough.”

Old age humour1

Old Age Humour #3

As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Vernon, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on M25. Please be careful!”

“Hell,” said Vernon, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”

Old age humour2

While the following video has nothing to do with old age humour it does have other stuff in it that screamed at me to include it in this weeks Friday Funnies. That’s sexy women and the fact that it’s bloody funny. I especially loved the second prank.

Which part of the video did you like the best?

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Fried Eggs Joke Friday Funnies #137

Who would have thought that a joke about fried eggs could be funny. I certainly didn’t. Not until I got this one in my email yesterday.

Making Fried Eggs Causes Stress

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into Fried Eggs Jokethe kitchen. ‘Careful,’ he said, ‘CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them.. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!’

The wife stared at him. ‘What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’ The husband calmly replied, ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.’

Man, until I read this I just didn’t realise how stressful making fried eggs could be.  :cool:

Irish Mail Order Women

Irish Mail Order Brides

Finally, as a wine drinker, I would like to post something that shows why a glass of wine is so much better than a glass of water.

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine. And to those of you who don’t and are always
seen with a bottle of water in your hand.

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) – bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine or beer (or tequila, gin, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:

Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.

Therefore, it’s better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I’m doing it as a public service!

I still thanked the guy who sent me the email. :drunk_tb:

 

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Italian Joke Friday Funnies #136

I’ve had jokes on Friday Funnies targeting most races but probably none more than the Irish. It’s not my fault that I pick on the Irish thug. There’s just so many Irish jokes out there.  :tongue_laugh_ee:

I’m pretty sure I’ve included one or two Italian jokes. Just in case this Friday Funnies will have an Italian joke. Being of Italian heritage I think it’s only fair I include an Italian joke every now and again just to show there is no favouritism. :wink:

Italian Joke A Secret to a Long Marriage!

At St. Peter’s Catholic Church they have weekly husbands marriage seminars.Italian Joke Auntie Acid

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, ‘Wella, I’va tried to treat her nice, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I took her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!’

The priest responded, ‘Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?’

Giuseppe proudly replied, ” I gonna go pick her up.”

Well, I sure hope you liked that Italian joke.

Something I’ve learned about being on the Internet is that you have to be really careful about the stuff you post on sites like FaceBook. Once it goes live everybody can see it! I mean everybody and if you’re not careful it will end up biting you in the ass  :pretty_please:

FaceBook Heaven Joke

The following video is bloody hilarious. A REALLY GREAT ITALIAN JOKE. It’s in Italian but I’m sure you will get the gist of it. Just to help you out the man on the motor bike is asking the Italian farmer what time it is. The farmer lifts the donkeys balls and then tells the man the time. This happens a couple of times.

When the bloke on the motor bike comes back again he once again asks the time. He’s amazed that the farmer gets the time right to the minute by lifting the donkeys balls again. I’m sure you can work out the rest :wink_ee: :

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