Funny Elderly Jokes Friday Funnies #274


I love funny elderly jokes, which is why I’ve included so many elderly jokes in my Friday Funnies. Because funny elderly jokes are so bloody funny I’ve decided to make this Friday Funnies all about funny elderly jokes.

funny elderly jokes

Funny Elderly Jokes #1

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife. “Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”

“Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

funny elderly jokes2

Funny Elderly Jokes #2

An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African black tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the Penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, His wife looked at him and said, “How about we try the African String-and-Weight procedure?” The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, “How is our little Tribal experiment coming along?”

“Well, it looks like we’re about half way there,” he replied.

“Wow, you mean it’s grown to 12 inches?”

“No, it’s turned black.”

Remember, Friday Funnies occur every week on a Friday :wink_ee:

If you’ve missed out on some Friday Funnies you can always catch up here.

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I know people love celebrities. Now you know why there are so many paparazzi. I thought for this weeks Friday Funnies I’d have a look at some of the funny things celebrities say.

Funny Things Celebrities Say #1 Mickey Rooney

I can’t say for sure that Mickey Rooney actually said all this things but that’s what the emails said. Anyway, here is my first funny things celebrities say!

1. When I was born, I was given a choice – a big pecker or a good memory…. I don’t remember what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: nature’s way of saying, “No hard feelings…”
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – ‘don’t’ and ‘stop’, unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages in a man’s life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, it’s lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge – if you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Question: What’s an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.
15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man’s life? Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn’t.
16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Answer: Breasts don’t have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, ‘Don’t take your troubles to bed’, many men still sleep with their wives!

I got the following set of images about funny things celebrities say in another email.

Funny Things Celebrities Say About Sex Images

Funny Things Celebrities Say

I don’t know about you but my favourite  was George Burn’s quote. Want more laughs, check out the rest of my Friday Funnies, or you can head over to my sports site to check out some really funny sports jokes.

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I thought for this weeks Friday Funnies I would start off with some funny classified ads. Apparently, according to the email these ads came in, these funny classified ads were actually placed in some U.K. Newspapers.

Some say the Pommies have a weird sense of humour. That may be the case, but I found these classified ads to be pretty funny.

Funny Classified Ads Pommy Style

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is… ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker–Billy Connolly. “If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time?”

The following image may have nothing to do with funny classified ads but its bloody funny all the same.

funny classified ads

Something else that I found to be really funny is the following video.

I don’t know about you, but I thought that video was hilarious. After watching it in an email it took me ages to find it on YouTube, that’s how much I liked it.

Strangely enough, ads aren’t the only funny things you read in newspapers and such. Take some of the following articles that have been printed in the past.

Honestly, what were they thinking when they printed that?

one armed man

That’s something I would have loved to see :wink_ee: Sort of makes you wonder who does the proof reading for those papers doesn’t it?

Remember, if you want more jokes I have heaps of Friday Funnies jokes. Or, you could head on over and read my funny sports jokes.

 

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