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Heaven Jokes Friday Funnies #334

Today’s Friday Funnies focuses on heaven jokes. The first of my heaven jokes came to me in an email.

Heaven Jokes Two Women Meet In Heaven

Two women, Wanda and Sylvia,  bumped into each other on the way to heaven.
“Hi! Wanda.”

“Hi! Sylvia.  How’d you die?””I froze to death,” said Sylvia.

“How horrible,” replied Wanda.

“It wasn’t so bad,” said Sylvia. “After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and I finally died a peaceful death. What about you?”

“I had a massive heart attack. I was sure my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.   But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

Shit,” said Sylvia. “So, what happened?”

“I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking for the bitch. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement.  Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.  I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally, I became so exhausted that I just keeled over dead from a massive heart attack.”

“That’s too bad,” replied Sylvia. “If you’d only looked in the freezer we’d both still be alive.”
heaven jokes
The second of my heaven jokes came from this post.

Heavenly Jokes #2

An 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash.

They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health, food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they “oohed and aahed” the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. “It’s free,” Peter replied, “this is Heaven.” Next, they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to.

They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, “what are the green fees?” Peter’s reply, “This is heaven, you play for free.”

Next, they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. “How much to eat?” asked the old man. “Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” Peter replied with some exasperation. “Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, “That’s the best part, you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat, and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault! If it weren’t for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”

Don’t forget to check out some of my other hilarious jokes. Love funny videos? Then you’ve got to watch my funny laughaholics videos.

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Disgruntled Wife Jokes Friday Funnies #333

I reckon there are a lot of disgruntle wives out there which one of which prompted me to focus this week’s Friday Funnies on disgruntled wife jokes. The first of my disgruntled wife jokes takes place in an English courtroom.

Disgruntled Wife Jokes #1

A Nottingham woman (pictured below) has lost her case at Nottingham magistrates court today after she tried to sue the United Kingdom National Health Service Queens Medical Centre after her husband went in for an operation which left him unable to have sex with her afterwards.

Mrs Minger of Bulwell aged 67 said to reporters outside court this afternoon “Me and me ‘usband Fred ‘ave ‘ad bangin’ sex till ‘e went ta ‘ospital and ‘ad ‘is operation, now ‘e’s not interested ‘n me and it’s all down to them twats”!

The surgeon who performed the operation and attended court to give evidence said: “all we did was remove Fred’s cataracts”! Read the rest of this entry

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Kitchen Jokes Friday Funnies #332

This week’s Friday Funnies is about kitchen jokes, but before I get to my this week’s kitchen jokes, I’d like to apologise for missing last weeks Friday Funnies. I do have a perfect excuse though, its because I took my family to Bali so we could celebrate my 60th birthday. We all loved Bali, and I will be doing some YouTube videos of our time over there. You may want to subscribe to My Bonzer Channel, so you don’t miss out on those videos.

OK, onto my funny kitchen jokes.

Kitchen Jokes Sex In The Kitchen

There could be many reasons for having sex in the kitchen, but not many of them would be funnier than this one.

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the ‘T’ shirt that she usually slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes lit up, and I thought, “I am either still dreaming, or this is going to be my lucky day!”

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards, she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”

She explained, “The egg timer’s broken…..”

kitchen jokes

Kitchen Facts: Eating In The Fifties

While technically not a joke I’m sure you’ll find the humour in the following.

Pasta had not been invented. It was macaroni or spaghetti.

Curry was a surname.

Taco? Never saw one till I was 15.

All chips were plain.

Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking.

Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.

Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.

Chickens didn’t have fingers in those days.

None of us had ever heard of yogurt.

Healthy food consisted of anything edible!

Cooking outside was called camping.

Seaweed was not a recognized food.

‘Kebab’ was not even a word… never mind a food.

Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days and was regarded as being white gold.

Prunes were medicinal and stewed.

Surprisingly Muesli was readily available. It was called cattle feed.

Pineapples came in chunks or were round with a hole in the middle, in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one.

Water came out of the tap. If someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than gasoline for it, they would have become a laughing stock.

There were three things that we never ever had on/at our table in the fifties, elbows, hats and cell phones!

And there were always two choices for each meal…

“Take it” or Leave it”

Don’t forget to check out some of my other hilarious jokes. Love funny videos? Then you’ve got to watch my funny laughaholics videos.

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Lotto Agent A New Player In Town

Lotto Agent: Get Lottery Tickets From The Comfort Of Your Own Home

Lotto Agent is one of the biggest and most trusted lottery concierge services and online ticketing agents in the world. The company is owned by Agento Limited, and its headquarter is located in Malta. The primary advantage of Lotto Agent is that its users purchase real lottery tickets and can even check their scanned copies. The company is present in almost each country of the world — the only exception are countries where it’s illegal to take part in the lottery draws — where it offers more than 20 world’s biggest and most popular lotteries, including the fabulous MEGA Millions, Powerball, EuroMillions, SuperEnalotto, Loteria Nacional and hordes of other games.

Brief Overview

PROS:

  • Availability of numerous lotteries
  • Availability of multiple payment methods
  • Availability of bonuses, discounts and promos
  • Availability of videos of lotto draws
  • Scanned copies of tickets
  • User-friendly and good-looking site
  • 6 language versions
  • Email alerts to winning users
  • Zero commission on winnings
  • Excellent customer support
  • The Lotto Agent app for Android
  • Multiple draws and subscriptions

CONS:

  • No syndicates

Lotteries to Play on Lotto Agent

Lotto Agent offers a great variety of public lotteries including the most popular lotteries today, such as:

The Site

The site is available in 6 world languages. It is not overloaded with bulky design and unnecessary elements so that it looks fresh and user-friendly. On the very first page, the user gets addressed by a teaser showing the lottery with the largest Jackpot which he can win with Lotto Agent. Below it, he can find a table with the latest draw results. In the “Play Online” section, he can find the list of lotteries which are available for play. The lotteries are ranked and marked by 0-10 score numbers. In the “Results” section, the latest winning combinations, videos of draws and tax information can be found. Also, there are links where the user can read the latest news about the games and winnings. Read the rest of this entry

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