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Siamese Twin Jokes Friday Funnies #335

These Siamese Twin jokes is a first for my Friday Funnies. What inspired me to include Siamese Twin jokes is what motivates the majority of my Friday Funnies, the emails I receive from my mates. Without further ado, I give you the first of my Siamese twin jokes.

Siamese Twin Jokes #1

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Sydney and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, “Don’t mind us, we’re joined at the hip. I’m John, and on the left here is Jim. We’ll have two VB’s, thanks.”

The bartender,  feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. “Been on holiday recently, lads?”

“Off to the States next month,” says John. “We go to the States every year, hire a nice car and drive  for miles, don’t we, Jim?”

Jim agrees.

“Ah, The States!” says the bartender. “Wonderful country …… the people, climate, the beer,  the culture .. .. …”

“Nah, we don’t like that American crap,” says John. “Aussie meat pies, chips, and VB, that’s us, hey, Jim? Jim agrees. And we can’t stand the Yanks, not civil and polite like us Aussies.”

“So why keep going to the States?” asks the bartender.

“It’s the only chance  Jim gets to drive.

Blonde Siamese Twin Jokes

A stud met two gorgeous blondes sitting side by side at a bar. They turned out to be Siamese twins joined at the hip, and they eagerly went to his apartment. After screwing the first one, he moved on to the second. The first sister noticed a case in the corner of the room.

“Is that a trombone?” she asked, “I was in the high school band, and would love to play your trombone.”

The guy shrugged, fetched her the instrument and went back to the second sister. As he humped, the first twin played loud, exuberant marches. A few weeks later, the twins were walking past his apartment building, and the first one said, “Let’s stop in and see him.”

The other sister hesitated and asked, “Gee, do you think he’ll remember us?”

Siamese Twin Jokes

Don’t forget to check out some of my other hilarious jokes. Love funny videos? Then you’ve got to watch my funny laughaholics videos.

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Heaven Jokes Friday Funnies #334

Today’s Friday Funnies focuses on heaven jokes. The first of my heaven jokes came to me in an email.

Heaven Jokes Two Women Meet In Heaven

Two women, Wanda and Sylvia,  bumped into each other on the way to heaven.
“Hi! Wanda.”

“Hi! Sylvia.  How’d you die?””I froze to death,” said Sylvia.

“How horrible,” replied Wanda.

“It wasn’t so bad,” said Sylvia. “After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and I finally died a peaceful death. What about you?”

“I had a massive heart attack. I was sure my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.   But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

Shit,” said Sylvia. “So, what happened?”

“I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking for the bitch. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement.  Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.  I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally, I became so exhausted that I just keeled over dead from a massive heart attack.”

“That’s too bad,” replied Sylvia. “If you’d only looked in the freezer we’d both still be alive.”
heaven jokes
The second of my heaven jokes came from this post.

Heavenly Jokes #2

An 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash.

They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health, food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they “oohed and aahed” the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. “It’s free,” Peter replied, “this is Heaven.” Next, they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to.

They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, “what are the green fees?” Peter’s reply, “This is heaven, you play for free.”

Next, they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. “How much to eat?” asked the old man. “Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” Peter replied with some exasperation. “Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, “That’s the best part, you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat, and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault! If it weren’t for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”

Don’t forget to check out some of my other hilarious jokes. Love funny videos? Then you’ve got to watch my funny laughaholics videos.

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I reckon there are a lot of disgruntle wives out there which one of which prompted me to focus this week’s Friday Funnies on disgruntled wife jokes. The first of my disgruntled wife jokes takes place in an English courtroom.

Disgruntled Wife Jokes #1

A Nottingham woman (pictured below) has lost her case at Nottingham magistrates court today after she tried to sue the United Kingdom National Health Service Queens Medical Centre after her husband went in for an operation which left him unable to have sex with her afterwards.

Mrs Minger of Bulwell aged 67 said to reporters outside court this afternoon “Me and me ‘usband Fred ‘ave ‘ad bangin’ sex till ‘e went ta ‘ospital and ‘ad ‘is operation, now ‘e’s not interested ‘n me and it’s all down to them twats”!

The surgeon who performed the operation and attended court to give evidence said: “all we did was remove Fred’s cataracts”! Read the rest of this entry

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Kitchen Jokes Friday Funnies #332

This week’s Friday Funnies is about kitchen jokes, but before I get to my this week’s kitchen jokes, I’d like to apologise for missing last weeks Friday Funnies. I do have a perfect excuse though, its because I took my family to Bali so we could celebrate my 60th birthday. We all loved Bali, and I will be doing some YouTube videos of our time over there. You may want to subscribe to My Bonzer Channel, so you don’t miss out on those videos.

OK, onto my funny kitchen jokes.

Kitchen Jokes Sex In The Kitchen

There could be many reasons for having sex in the kitchen, but not many of them would be funnier than this one.

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the ‘T’ shirt that she usually slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes lit up, and I thought, “I am either still dreaming, or this is going to be my lucky day!”

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards, she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”

She explained, “The egg timer’s broken…..”

kitchen jokes

Kitchen Facts: Eating In The Fifties

While technically not a joke I’m sure you’ll find the humour in the following.

Pasta had not been invented. It was macaroni or spaghetti.

Curry was a surname.

Taco? Never saw one till I was 15.

All chips were plain.

Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking.

Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.

Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.

Chickens didn’t have fingers in those days.

None of us had ever heard of yogurt.

Healthy food consisted of anything edible!

Cooking outside was called camping.

Seaweed was not a recognized food.

‘Kebab’ was not even a word… never mind a food.

Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days and was regarded as being white gold.

Prunes were medicinal and stewed.

Surprisingly Muesli was readily available. It was called cattle feed.

Pineapples came in chunks or were round with a hole in the middle, in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one.

Water came out of the tap. If someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than gasoline for it, they would have become a laughing stock.

There were three things that we never ever had on/at our table in the fifties, elbows, hats and cell phones!

And there were always two choices for each meal…

“Take it” or Leave it”

Don’t forget to check out some of my other hilarious jokes. Love funny videos? Then you’ve got to watch my funny laughaholics videos.

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