Senior Humour Friday Funnies #345

senior humour

Todays Friday Funnies is about senior humour. I’ve written a lot of seniors jokes, and they always go down well. One of my favourite bit of senior humour would have to be Senior Jokes Friday Funnies #128.

Todays senior humour take place in a courtroom after a senior was caught stealing a can of peaches.

Senior Humour The Shoplifter

A cranky old woman in her so-called “senior years” was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store.  This old duck gave everyone a hard time, including the store manager, the security guard and the arresting officer who took her away.  She didn’t stop complaining, the whole she was in custody and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.

When she finally appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store.

The senior citizen defiantly replied, “Just a stupid can of peaches, you old fool.”

The judge then asked why she had done it.

“I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store,” she huffed.

The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.

She replied in a nasty tone, “Nine! But why do you care about that?”

The judge answered patiently, “Well, ma’am, because I’m going to give you nine days in jail — one day for each peach.”

As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady’s long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.

The judge said, “Yes sir, what do you have to add?”

The husband said meekly, “Your Honour, she also stole two cans of peas.”

While I have you here, I reckon it’s a great time to give my first ever shot at performing a stand-up comedy routine. I called it Laughaholic’s Work Accident. I think it came out pretty well. Please check it out, give it the thumbs up if you liked it, share it with your friends. Heck, while you’re there you may as well subscribe to my YouTube channel.

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Seniors Make You Laugh Friday Funnies #198

Before I get to our Friday Funnies, did you know that eBay has some great deals on joke books and stuff?

Lets face it jokes about seniors make you laugh. I’m sure most times when seniors make you laugh that it’s not entirely what they intended. It’s just that they do stuff for whatever reason and some folks out there find it incredibly funny. I’ve done a lot of Senior Citizens Jokes including  Friday Funnies #162 and Friday Funnies #45 Senior Citizens & Sexy Pranks and they’ve always gone down really well. Which is why I’m adding another Seniors Make You Laugh jokes to the collection.

Seniors Make You Laugh Stuff They Go Through

The other day I went over to our nearby Pharmacy. When I got there, I went straight to the back of the store to where the Pharmacists’ Counter is located and took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter.

The pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me. I said, “Yes! Could you please taste this for me?”

Being I’m a senior citizen … I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me and picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swilled it around.

Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spit it out on the floor and began coughing.

When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked, “Now, does that taste sweet to you?”

The pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, “HELL NO!!!”

So I said, “Oh thank God! That’s a real relief! My doctor told me to get a pharmacist to test my urine for sugar!”

Well, I can never go back to that Pharmacy but I really don’t care though, because they just aren’t very friendly there anyway.

Yep, seniors have been around long enough that they know how to make people pay for shit that happens to them in the past.

Seniors Make You Laugh When Eyesight Dims

Seniors make you laughYesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn’t do something useful with my time.

“Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?” I asked.

Her talking about my “doing-something-useful” seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.

She was “only thinking of me”, she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the girls.

I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a trick on her. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.

She replied, “Are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you’re going to start jumping out of airplanes?”

I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned me and yelled, “Good grief, Mum, where are your glasses? This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.”

“Oh dear. I’m in trouble again,” I said, “I really don’t know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!”

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.

Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be ever so much fun.

Yeah, I’m sure that there are a lot of seniors out there who would laugh out loud at that one.

seniors make you laugh2

Seniors make You Laugh Hot And Cold Sex

And finally we have a senior who goes to the doctor.

After his exam the doctor asked the elderly man: “You appear to be in good health.  Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?”

“In fact, I do,” said the old man. “After I have sex with my wife, I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty.”

Later, after examining the man’s elderly wife, the doctor said: “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”

She replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?”

“Oh that crazy old fart,” she replied. “That’s because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August.”

And so ends another Friday Funnies. Don’t forget you can get more sports jokes at my sports site. Also you can find some great bargains at my brand new Top Shopping store.

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Friday Funnies #45 Senior Citizens & Sexy Pranks

Well, I reckon this is going to be the last Friday Funnies for the year so I really hope you enjoy it. Don’t worry, I’m going to continue the Friday Funnies in 2013. How could I not seeing as how they’ve turned out to be so popular. You know, I think that, seeing how it’s the last one for the year and all, I’m going to give you a treat by posting two jokes instead of one.  :drunk_tb:

The first one is to do with the actions of a senior citizen, and like the other jokes about the elderly that I’ve written about on this blog I’m sure you’re going to like this one.

The Senior Citizen & The BMW Z4

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car showroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 120mph enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

2003 BMW Z4 Photographed in Greenwich, CT.

“Amazing!” he thought as he flew down the M4, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

“I can get away from him – no problem!” thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 140mph, then 150 then 160. Suddenly, he thought, “What on earth am I doing? I’m too old for this nonsense!” So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver’s side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, “Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I’m taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”

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