A little while back I did a post called Duncan And Norm’s Big Night Out, and it had quite a bit of Aussie slang woven through it. I reckon a lot of you may have got the general idea of the story, but I believe that there may have been a few words that had you scratching your heads. So, without further ado I present to you the translated version, and perhaps you will be kind enough to leave a comment as to how well you did on your own.

This is a story about two friends who lived in the middle of nowhere. Though one of them was a Queenslander, Duncan, and the other a Tasmanian, Norm, they were both real Aussies as they loved their beer, sport, women and were a little on the uncultured side, but they were really good friends. They were never angry with each other and loved their beer.

One afternoon they were going really fast on their bikes heading for the local bar. They thought some good food was in order as it was way past their lunch time. Duncan ordered a pie floater (a meat pie floating in pea soup) while Norm has a pastie (pastry filled with tasty vegetables) with a bit of sauce. While eating they where talking about some of the things they’ve been up to. Ever since they were kids they’ve been friends and loved having a talk.
Norm: “Duncan, d’ya remember that day down at the deli where you bumped into that woman with the lovely set of tits?”
Duncan: “That’s not really fair pal, that wasn’t my fault!”
Norm: “You sure got slapped silly, Blimey, I can still see you falling over, and the look on her face when you asked if they were real, no wonder she wouldn’t have sex with you! Ha ha, she went crazy.”
Duncan: “Too bad because I reckon she would make a lot of noise if I got to have sex with her.”
Meanwhile Norm farts and the stench would send you right out outback of Australia..
Duncan: “Shit, Norm I reckon you better go off to the toilet and have a crap pal, I reckon you’ve had too many curried eggs for breakfast today!”
Norm just laughs and decides he had it coming to him so instead of complaining he changes the subject and says: “Say Duncan did you hear the one about the Englishman who goes to Australia with his wife; they stay in a 5 star hotel and hire a Limo for the day. While driving along the road, his wife asks, “Look! What is that man doing with that kangaroo?” The man replies, “My God! Don’t look, it’s disgusting!” Further down the road the wife says, “Look, another one!” and the husband says,
“Disgusting! I shall report this when we get back to the hotel.”
They arrive back at the hotel only to find a man with one wooden leg masturbating on the steps of the hotel. The husband charges in and says to the manager,
“Look, we come here in good faith, to stay in your 5 star hotel and what happens? We are driving down the road and we come across a drover having sex with a kangaroo. Further on, there’s a man having sex with another kangaroo. Then we get back here only to find a man with one wooden leg, masturbating on your front steps. Well, what do you have to say about that?”
The manager says, ‘My God mate, you expect a man with one wooden leg to catch his own kangaroo?”
Not to be outdone Norm replies with a grin. That’s nothin’ pal, hows about the Texan farmer who comes to Australia for a holiday. There, he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large. Then they walk around the station a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, “We have longhorns that are at least twice as big as your cows”. The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, “And what are those?” The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”
Duncan in a fit of laughter falls off his chair right in front of this man and his stuck up wife who just happens to be as ugly as hell. Now this man is huge and tries to down Duncan with a haymaker but Duncan just ducks and then hits the dickhead with one straight in the gut. As he doubles over he knees him in the chin and knocks the idiot out cold.
Norm then gets up, tells Duncan that was a job well done and that it was time that they should leave.