As I lie basking under the warming sun, memories of a time long ago,when bloggers wielded a great amount of power, came flooding back to me. It was the year 2015, five years before the holocaust. The place happened to be the historic Adelaide Festival Theater where the latest blogging convention was being held and I just happened to be the guest speaker. By that time I had reached Pro Blogger status and my popularity was so great that the room was filled to capacity.
I remember when I stepped on the stage how the murmur of the crowd rose to a roar as soon as my presence was noticed. After a moment of basking in the adulation I raised my hand to signal that I wanted them to settle down. As soon as the roar subsided and I knew I finally had their attention I commenced with my speech. It was completely off the cuff as I hated the time it took to prepare those planned and delivered diatribe. As usual I thought that I would start off with a joke;
I would like to welcome all those of you who have visited or commented on my blogs especially the fluctuating 30-45 subscribers…pause for effect….damn, only a couple of snickers, will have to try something more dramatic…., I remember another occasion such as this where I decided to get the audience involved and so I asked if any of them had sex once a day. Quite a few of them raised their hands, their faces all lit up with satisfaction. I then asked how many had sex once a week and a greater number of hands were raised and the rest of the audience started to warm up to the subject. OK, I said, how many of you have sex once a month? This time quite a large number had raised their hands and I noticed, by their rings that most of them were married. Finally I asked how many actually had sex only once a year, and this little man in the fifth aisle jumps up excitedly and virtually screams out ‘”THAT’S ME, I HAVE SEX ONCE A YEAR!” Really, I said, astonished. But if you only have sex once a year, why are you so excited? Still jumping up and down he replies, “BECAUSE TONIGHT’S THE NIGHT!” The crowd roars with laughter with a spattering of ‘We love you Sire’ all around the room, and one young woman throws her G string at me which I snatch deftly out of the air, give it a quick whiff and then place it in my jeans pocket for DNA testing. I smiled, as I had them in the palm of my hand.
Thank you, thank you, as I once again raise my hand to quieten them down.. I have noticed lately that many of you in your efforts to gain readership have lowered yourselves to holding many a competition on your blogs and I find this lowers our standards…… this causes a few ‘You Suck Sire’ comments from around the room and I even had to duck a ripe tomato…
Wait, listen and you will come to understand where I’m coming from. I realize how we all look for adulation in our readers, how we want to inspire loyalty from them so that they come back time and time again. But do you really think that you can buy that with a T Shirt or some crappy 125×125 ad on your blog? Shit, I think to myself, I’m doing something wrong, as more and more abuse is being hurled at me and the woman climbs onto the stage to get her G string back….
YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND, I scream, YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT! They quieten down but it took a bloody long time, perhaps the tear gas from the security guards helped…. It’s not the contests that will gain you true love and loyalty from your readers, as that only comes from within you! From your most innermost being where you pluck out those emotive words that will then form the quality content on your blog! That is what will ultimately capture the heart and souls of all those who come to land on your blogs.
There is silence, and then a voice from the back, ‘That’s bullshit Sire, you suck you moron’, and then a chanting of ‘Sire sucks, Sire sucks Sire sucks’ and suddenly I am dodging more and more missiles… exit stage left….
Yep, those were the good old days, I thought to myself as the sun was setting in the sky giving the clouds a crimson hue. Reckon I better head on over to the village tavern and see what sort of tucker they have on tonight.
This post is a continuation of Sire, The Wandering Bard series.
Tagged with: Public speaking
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