Normally when you watch court proceedings on the TV it always pretty serious stuff. The thing is that in reality things can actually get really funny. Actual court recorder documents show that there are times when the Lawyers say the most stupid of things. Other times it’s something the witness says that makes you crack up.
Sometimes they’re so bloody funny you just have to wonder how these court recorders manage to keep straight faces!
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courtsand are things people have actually said in court,…word for word, taken down and published by court reporters!
When you read through some of them you can sometimes imagine the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
Some of these are so bloody funny that I just had to include them in this weeks Friday Funnies #174.
I have to put it out there though that I do not a actually own this book, although I may have to get my hands on a copy. Nope, a friend of mine sent me these in an email, which is where I get all of my Friday Funnies from.
So, without further ado I give to you……..
Best Of The Funniest Court Recorder Situation
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
I’ve saved the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
That’s it guys. Don’t forget to have a great weekend.
Friday Funnies #173 is about a nursing home joke. Some say you need a sense of humour to work in a nursing home. You know, I think they may be right. I don ‘t know if the following story actually happened. Having said that I do believe it’s possible though and it certainly pretty funny.
Nursing Home Humour
An old man, Mr.. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.
‘Yes, Nurse Tracy ,’ said Mr. Wallace. ‘My Private Part died today, and I am
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, ‘Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.’
The following day, Mr.. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pyjamas. He met Nurse Tracy.
‘Mr.. Wallace,’ she said, ‘You shouldn’t be walking down the hall like that! Please put your
Private Part back inside your pyjamas.’
‘But, Nurse Tracy I can’t,’ replied Mr. Wallace. ‘I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.’
‘Yes,’ said Nurse Tracy , ‘you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pyjamas?’
(You’ve gotta love this.)
‘Well,’ he replied, ‘Today is the viewing.’
I found the following funny nursing home image whilst doing a Google search on nursing home jokes.
And so ends another Friday Funnies. I hope it starts you off on a great weekend. Don’t forget to have a great and safe weekend.
Usually when people get drunk they can do the craziest things. Sometimes their escapades can be really funny. This is exactly why women should avoid a girls night out after they are married….
If this doesn’t make you laugh out loud, you’ve lost your sense of humour. It’s all about the antics of a drunk wife’s antics after a girl’s night out.
Drunk Wife Joke
The other night I was invited out for a night with the ‘girls’. I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, ‘I promise!’ Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 am, a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed…. 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos total 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in?
I told him’MIDNIGHT’… he didn’t seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one!
Then he said ‘We need a new cuckoo clock!’
When I asked him why, he said,
‘Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said ‘oh shit’ cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.”
Keeping with the drunk wife theme, a wife being a woman and all, I put the next drunk woman joke together using the Logo Creator.
And so ends another Friday funnies. Just a word of warning to those of you who are just about to reach the drinking age. Getting drunk to the point where you don’t remember what you did the night before is a waste of time and money. Honestly, how can you know you had a good time when you have no memory of it?
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