I know people love celebrities. Now you know why there are so many paparazzi. I thought for this weeks Friday Funnies I’d have a look at some of the funny things celebrities say.

Funny Things Celebrities Say #1 Mickey Rooney

I can’t say for sure that Mickey Rooney actually said all this things but that’s what the emails said. Anyway, here is my first funny things celebrities say!

1. When I was born, I was given a choice – a big pecker or a good memory…. I don’t remember what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: nature’s way of saying, “No hard feelings…”
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – ‘don’t’ and ‘stop’, unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages in a man’s life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, it’s lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge – if you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Question: What’s an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.
15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man’s life? Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn’t.
16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Answer: Breasts don’t have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, ‘Don’t take your troubles to bed’, many men still sleep with their wives!

I got the following set of images about funny things celebrities say in another email.

Funny Things Celebrities Say About Sex Images

Funny Things Celebrities Say

I don’t know about you but my favourite  was George Burn’s quote. Want more laughs, check out the rest of my Friday Funnies, or you can head over to my sports site to check out some really funny sports jokes.

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I thought for this weeks Friday Funnies I would start off with some funny classified ads. Apparently, according to the email these ads came in, these funny classified ads were actually placed in some U.K. Newspapers.

Some say the Pommies have a weird sense of humour. That may be the case, but I found these classified ads to be pretty funny.

Funny Classified Ads Pommy Style

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is… ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker–Billy Connolly. “If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time?”

The following image may have nothing to do with funny classified ads but its bloody funny all the same.

funny classified ads

Something else that I found to be really funny is the following video.

I don’t know about you, but I thought that video was hilarious. After watching it in an email it took me ages to find it on YouTube, that’s how much I liked it.

Strangely enough, ads aren’t the only funny things you read in newspapers and such. Take some of the following articles that have been printed in the past.

Honestly, what were they thinking when they printed that?

one armed man

That’s something I would have loved to see :wink_ee: Sort of makes you wonder who does the proof reading for those papers doesn’t it?

Remember, if you want more jokes I have heaps of Friday Funnies jokes. Or, you could head on over and read my funny sports jokes.

 

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You’re probably thinking there is no funny side to being an ex-wife so there couldn’t possibly be any ex-wife humour. Well, this post just goes to show you how wrong you are.

Ex-Wife Humour you Just Have to Love

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show. His wife was standing there at the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally speaks. “Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it’s time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars along with your gun collection and tennis racquets.”

Tom gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, “Darling, what’s wrong?”

“There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife.”

“Ex-wife!”, she screams, “YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE !!!!!!!”

Tom’s reply:

“I wasn’t……….”

Speaking about ex-wife humour, you should hear the one I overheard at the pub the other day. This one guy was saying to this other guy, “I’ve just called the local insane asylum yesterday to check on who has escaped from there recently.”

the other guy appears confused by the remark and asks, “Why on earth would you want to know such a thing???”

The first guy has a quick shot and replied, “Well, somebody married my ex-wife last week…”

It was all I could do to stop myself from laughing out loud. :wink_ee:

Just to finish off I put something together using the Creator.

ex-wife humour

Honestly, the Creator is the best thing I’ve ever spent my money on. It’s allowed me to make all my own images for the post which I feel has had a definite SEO benefit.

Remember, if you want more jokes head on over and read my really funny sports jokes.

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