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Nursing Home Jokes Friday Funnies #329

Today’s Friday Funnies, Friday Funnies #329 is all about nursing home jokes. My Friday Funnies has a lot of senior jokes because they’re so popular and I’m sure you’ll agree that today’s nursing home jokes are no exception.

Nursing Home Jokes For Seniors

On her first day at the Senior Complex, the new manager addressed all the seniors pointing out some of her rules: “The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males and the male dormitory to the females.”

“Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.”

She continued, “Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?”

At this point, an older gentleman stood up in the crowd inquired: “How much for a Season Pass?”

nursing home jokes

How about this one for a great addition to my nursing home jokes.

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems ok, but after a while, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while, she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. “So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they ask.

“It’s pretty nice,” she replies. “Except they won’t let you fart.”

I found that nursing home joke here. As you know, you can get heaps more laughs by browsing the rest of my Friday Funnies. You could even check out my funny Laughaholics videos. Speaking of which, I think you’ll love my latest YouTube video.


That video has two really funny jokes. One about the funniest lie detector robot and the other about a gay ranch hand that gets into trouble with his sexy boss.

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Employment Jokes Friday Funnies #328

I don’t think I’ve done a Friday Funnies post about employment jokes before so this week’s Friday Funnies is about employment jokes.

Employment Jokes On The Murray

Looking for an excellent job on the Murray River??

Sally Mulligan of Paddington NSW decided to take one of the jobs that most Australians are not willing to do.

Sally applied for a job in a lemon grove and seemed to be far too qualified for the job. She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Adelaide and had worked as a social worker and a school teacher.

The foreman frowned and said, “I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons ??”

“Well, as a matter of fact, I have,” she said. “I’ve been divorced three times, owned two Jeeps, voted twice for Labor, and once for Clive Palmer.”

She starts in the morning.

Employment Jokes

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Lawyer Employment Jokes

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he’s smarter being a prominent lawyer from New York and has a better education than a sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration.

The lawyer asks, “What for?”

The sheriff responds, “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”

The lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”

“You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration please,” said the sheriff impatiently.

The lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration, and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”

The sheriff says, “That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle.” The lawyer steps out, and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, “Do you want me to stop or just slow down?”

Next, I video with two of the funniest jokes ever. The second of the two jokes definitely fits in the employment jokes category.


Check out some of my other funny jokes or my Laughaholics Video Playlist.

 

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Funniest Sex Joke Friday Funnies #327

Yep, today’s Friday Funnies is a hilarious sex joke. This sex joke revolves around a married couple’s use of Vaseline.

Vaseline Sex Joke

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, ‘I’m doing some research for Vaseline, Do you have a moment to answer a few questions?”

The woman agreed, and he continued. “Have you ever used the product?”

She says, “Yes, My husband and I use it all the time.”

“And if you don’t mind me asking, what do you use it for?”

“We use it for sex.”

The researcher was a little taken back, “Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge, when, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty, and since you’ve been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?”

The woman says, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knobs, and it keeps the kids out.”

And you thought it was going to be a dirty joke. Shame on you.  :lol_ee:

Next, we have a man trying to explain why he got divorced.

Funniest sex joke

Divorcee’s Sex Joke

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot, and so did my kids. I went to work, and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday.

As I entered my office, my secretary said, “Happy birthday, boss,” which made me feel so special. She then asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, “Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?”

“Okay,” I said.

She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, and my colleagues all yelling, “SURPRISE!!!” while I was waiting on the sofa… naked.

And finally, even though it’s not sex-related, I present to you my latest Laughaholics video of funniest Aussie Jokes.


Why not enjoy some of my other Friday Funnies posts.

 

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Testicle Jokes Friday Funnnies #326

Testicle jokes? Really, I’m doing a Friday Funnies about testicle jokes? I figure why not, as long as my testicle jokes make you laugh, right? Right!

A Hospital Testicle Jokes

Strangely enough, this first joke about testicles takes place in a hospital.

Hank is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

“Nurse,” he mumbles from behind the mask, “are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”

He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, please check for me. I’m very concerned – are my testicles black?”

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, gently holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles tenderly in the other. She looks very carefully and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, sir. They look fine.”

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen to me very, very closely: “Are – my – test – results – back?”

testicle jokes

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This isn’t the first joke I’ve included in Friday Funnies either. I did one way back in 2015, and you can read it here.

Strangely enough, there’s also a Little Johnny joke about testicles.

One day, Little Susie got her monthly bleeding for the first time in her life.

Not entirely sure what was happening, and somewhat frightened, she decided to tell Little Johnny. Little Susie dropped her panties and showed Little Johnny what was happening.

Little Johnny’s eyes opened wide in amazement. “You know,” he said, “I’m not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!”

Don’t forget to check out my funny Laughaholics videos for a lot more laughs.

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