This post is for all my Yankee mates that usually catch me out when they use an expression that only a fellow American would understand. While we Aussies don’t tend to use this much slang in a normal conversation I think it’s a real shame because we are losing a great part of our heritage. So, without further ado I present to you, Duncan and Norm, a couple of true blue Aussies.
This is a yarn about two mates who lived back of Bourke. Though one of them was a Banana Bender, Duncan, and the other an Apple eater, Norm, they were both real ocker sorts, and their relationship was simply ace. They never got aggro with each other and loved a bit of the ol’ Amber fluid.
One arvo they were on the pushbike going twenty for a dozen heading for the local pub. They figured some good tucker was in order as it was way past lunchtime. Duncan ordered a pie floater while Norm has a pastie with a bit of dead horse. While eating they were yapping about some of the things they’ve been up to. Ever since they were ankle biters they’ve been cobbers and loved having a yarn.
Norm: “Duncan, d’ya remember that day down at the milk bar where you bumped into that shiela with the lovely set of knockers?”
Duncan: “Fair suck of the sav cobber that wasn’t my fault!”
Norm: “You copped a beautie, Blimey, I can still see you going arse over tit, and the look on her face when you asked if they were real, no wonder she knocked ya back! Ha ha, she went mad as a cut snake.”
Duncan: “Too bad coz I reckon she would bang like a dunny door in a storm”
Meanwhile Norm drops his guts and the pong would send you back of beyond.
Duncan: “Bugger me dead Norm I reckon you better go off to the bog to leave an offering mate, I reckon you’ve had too many curried bum nuts for brekkie today!”
Norm just laughs and decides to cop it sweet, instead trying to change the subject he says: “Say Duncan didja hear the one about the pommy who goes to Australia with his missus; they stay in a 5 star hotel and hire a Limo for the day. While driving along the road, his wife asks, “Look! What is that man doing with that kangaroo?”
The man replies, “My God! Don’t look, it’s disgusting!”
Further down the road the wife says, “Look, another one!” and the husband says,
“Disgusting! I shall report this when we get back to the hotel.”
They get back at the hotel only to find a man with one wooden leg having a wank on the steps of the hotel. The husband charges in and says to the manager,
“Look, we come here in good faith, to stay in your 5 star hotel and what happens? We are driving down the road and we come across a drover rooting a kangaroo. Further on, there’s a man shagging another kangaroo. Then we get back here only to find a man with one wooden leg, masturbating on your front steps. Well, what do you have to say about that?”
The manager says, ‘S’truth mate, you expect a man with one wooden leg to catch his own kangaroo?”
Not to be outdone Norm replies with a grin. That’s nothin’ cobber, hows about the Texan farmer who comes Down Under for a holiday. There, he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large. Then they walk around the station a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, “We have longhorns that are at least twice as big as your cows”. The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, “And what are those?” The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”
Duncan in a fit of laughter falls off his chair right in front of this bloke and his lady muck missus who just happens to be about as ugly as a box of blowflies. Now this bloke’s built like a brick shit house and tries to down Duncan with a haymaker but Duncan just ducks and then conked the dickhead with one straight in the bread basket. As he doubles over he knees him in the chin and knocks the drongo out cold.
Norm then gets up, tells Duncan that was a job well done and that it was time that they should bugger off. With that they left before any more mishaps could happen. I wonder what they will get up to next time.
So, me Yank mates av a go at that and see how ya go.
For those of you struggling with the language/slang I’ve done a translation of the post to help you out.