Welcome good reader to this weeks Friday Funnies. For those of you who are new to WassupBlog Friday is a day that many people look forward to as it’s the day where I entertain my readers to a post that is designed to make you laugh your ass off, or at the very least have a huge smile on your face.
This weeks joke is all about affairs. Now although I disagree with affairs as I believe one should marry for life and if you can’t bear to be with that person any more you get up and leave, you don’t cheat on them. Anyway, this series of jokes show that there can be a humorous side to affairs.
The Funny Side Of Affairs
The First Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home. ‘Where have you been?’ his wife demanded. ‘I can’t lie to you,’ he replied, ‘I’m having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.’ She looked down at his shoes and said: ‘You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf!’
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: ‘There’s no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?’
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: ‘No, not this time!’
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest Johnson He had ever seen!
‘I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,’ the mortician commented, ‘I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.’ So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase and took it home.
‘I have something to show you won’t believe,’ he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
‘My God!’ the wife exclaimed, ‘Schwartz is dead!’
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. ‘Hurry,’ she said, ‘stand in the corner.’ She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. ‘Don’t move until I tell you,’ she said. ‘Pretend you’re a statue.’
‘What’s this?’ the husband inquired as he entered the room. ‘Oh it’s a statue,’ she replied. ‘The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.’ No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. ‘Here,’ he said to the statue, ‘have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a fukkin thing.’
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. ‘Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one cent.’ ‘One Cent?’ the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: ‘How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?’
‘A nickel,’ the barman replied. ‘A nickel?’ exclaimed the man. ‘Where’s the guy who owns this place?’ The bartender replied: ‘Upstairs, with my wife.’
The man asked: ‘What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?’
The bartender replied: ‘The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.’
The 6th & Best Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: ‘I have something I must confess.’ ‘There’s no need to, ‘his wife replied. ‘No,’ he insisted, ‘I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!’
‘I know,’ she replied. ‘Now just rest and let the poison work.’
And now for this weeks video.
Funniest Video Accidents
That’s it guys. Hope you liked this weeks Fridays Funnies and if you did don’t forget to share it by giving it a tweet.
I’ve got to admit I’ve always been a gadget man because I love having technological stuff around me. When the digital watches first came into being I just had to have me one and from memory the first ever digital watch I bought was a Casio. Since then I’ve always owned a digital watch and the more technical they were the better.
I’ve had calculator watches and one that kept track of phone numbers and personal details. Heck, my latest digital watch doubles as a TV / Video remote control. Man, I love this watch partly because it’s so useful and partly because it’s a great conversation starter, not to mention that it allows me to play practical jokes on people. I had heaps of fun at work changing the stations, adjusting the volume and turning the TV on and off at work. You should have seen the look on the face of the person who was actually holding the TV remote
However, as much as I love my digital watch I also have a gold Seiko watch because there’s many a time when a cheap digital watch just won’t do. For one thing they’re pretty lousy as a dress watch and they’re not about to impress the ladies much either.
I know that most people use their cell phones as time pieces but I could never understand why. It’s so much easier to look at your wrist watch than it is to fish out a mobile phone. Heck, if I’m with a group of people I’m always the first one to provide the time when someone asks for it, the others haven’t even had the time to take their phones out of their pocket. And if you’re a women, by the time you find your phone in that bag full of crap, well forget about it, the time’s already passed.
As for what type of watch I would like to have it wouldn’t be a Rolex, not unless I had money to burn that is! Nope. I reckon a Bulova Precisionist Watches would be more my style. I kinda like those watches with all the dials, similar to the one in the photo on the right.
I’ve actually found that dress watches also make great gifts and have always bought one for those special occasions such as graduations and those important birthdays like a 21st or something. The reason for this is because I’ve found that a good watch will always hold some form of sentimental value, especially if you have it engraved, and every time the person looks at it they’ll remember the person who gave it to them. Heck, do you remember when I mentioned my Seiko, well my wife gave me that when we got engaged and it is my most precious gift.
As Friday rolls around once again it means so many things to so many people but to those of you who come to this blog every week on a Friday it means one thing. That’s right, it’s Fridays Funnies time and todays is the eleventh in the series. I’m happy to say that even though it started off a little slow it seems to be picking up momentum and that is confirmed by a lot of the emails I’ve been getting. Having said that I’m left wondering why some people say they loved the joke so much that they’re going to share it with their friends but then they forget to Tweet it or even to FaceBook Like it.
But you’re not here to listen to me winge and complain. Nope! You’re here to be entertained, especially because it’s Fridays Funnies Time.
The Smartest Man At The Wedding
Weddings can be so much fun, especially when some of your guests are just a little bit out there. Like this bloke who decided to take advantage of a good situation. Talk about thinking out of the box
And now for a little Scottish humor.
Pished ‘n swished in Glasgae
A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgae, worried about her husband’s temper and threatening manner.
The Doc asks: “What’s the problem, Janet?
The woman says: “Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time ma hubbie comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon’.”
The Doctor says: “Aye, well… I have a real good cure for that. When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep.”
Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
She says: “Doctor that was brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished an’ swished, and he didnae touch me even once! Tell me Doc…wha’s the secret? How’s the water do that?”
The Doctor says: “Janet hen, it’s really nae big secret. The water does bugger all – it’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick…”
OK guys, you have got to love that one!
Now remember, if you really like it do something about it, like give it a Tweet or something
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