Heaven Jokes Two Women Meet In Heaven
“Hi! Sylvia. How’d you die?””I froze to death,” said Sylvia.
“How horrible,” replied Wanda.
“It wasn’t so bad,” said Sylvia. “After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and I finally died a peaceful death. What about you?”
“I had a massive heart attack. I was sure my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
“Shit,” said Sylvia. “So, what happened?”
“I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking for the bitch. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally, I became so exhausted that I just keeled over dead from a massive heart attack.”
“That’s too bad,” replied Sylvia. “If you’d only looked in the freezer we’d both still be alive.”
Heavenly Jokes #2
An 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash.
They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health, food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.
As they “oohed and aahed” the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. “It’s free,” Peter replied, “this is Heaven.” Next, they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to.
They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, “what are the green fees?” Peter’s reply, “This is heaven, you play for free.”
Next, they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. “How much to eat?” asked the old man. “Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” Peter replied with some exasperation. “Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, “That’s the best part, you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat, and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault! If it weren’t for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”