Do you ever wonder who makes up some of the jokes, stories or whatever that you read on Friday Funnies. I do and sometimes I think to myself that some of these people have way too much time on their hands. Especially the person who wrote the following about Who Is Jack Schitt?
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, ‘You don’t know Jack Schitt!’
Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents’ objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, ‘You don’t know Jack Schitt,’ you can correct them.
Crock O. Schitt
The best thing about the Schitt family tree is that someone even took the time to make a video about the Schitt Family tree. No shit! I kid you not.
Now that you know all about Jack Schitt I wanted to dispel the theory that sex is the best form of exercise. I did that by putting together something with the help of The Creator!
I hope you enjoyed this weeks Friday Funnies. Don’t forget to bring some joy to other by sharing this post on your favourite social media sites.
It’s Friday and you know what that means don’t you? Yep, its Friday Funnies time. Today’s Friday Funnies has several jokes with God in it. The first of the jokes with God in is is about a near death experience.
A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God She asked “Is my time up”? God said, “No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 33 years? Why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance”?
God replied: ! I didn’t recognise you!!!!!”
I made the next couple of funny jokes with God in it using The Creator.
The next of our jokes with God in it is an oldie but a goodie.
There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn’t swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, “Do you need help, sir?”
The preacher calmly said “No, God will save me.”
A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, “Hey, do you need help?”
The preacher replied again, “No God will save me.”
Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, “Why didn’t you save me?”
God replied, “Fool, I sent you two boats!”
Just goes to show that God is always around to help us, sometimes we’re just too stupid to see when he’s holding out his hand.
Hope you liked this weeks Friday Funnies. Don’t forget where you can find some really funny sports jokes.
For this weeks Friday Funnies I just thought I would post some random funny moments to make you laugh. The first random funny moments is about a funny obituary.
Funny Moments #1
After losing his wife of 50 years the Yorkshire husband decides to pay for an obituary in the local paper.
The husband contacted the newspaper regarding an obituary. When informed of the cost, the man uttered, in true Yorkshire fashion, “How Much? !!!”
He reluctantly produced his wallet. “I want summit simple” he explained, “my Gladys was a good-hearted and hard-working Yorkshire lass but she wont ave wanted owt swanky.”
“Perhaps a small poem”, suggested the woman at the desk.
“Nay”, he said, “she wont ave wanted anything la-di-da, just put; ‘Gladys Braithwaite died'”.
“You need to say when”, he was told by the receptionist.
“Do I? Well, put died 17th March 2015. That’ll do”.
“It is usual for the bereaved to add some meaningful phrase about the dearly departed”.
The man considered for a moment. “Well, put in, ‘Sadly missed’. That’ll do”, he said.
“You can have another four words”, the woman explained.
“No, no”, he cried, “she wouldn’ ave wanted me to splash out”.
“The words are included in the price”, the woman informed him.
“Are they? You mean I’ve paid for ’em?”.
“Well, if I’ve paid for ’em , I’m ‘avin them”.
The obituary was duly printed as follows:
Gladys Braithwaite died, 17th March 2015. Sadly missed. Also Tractor for sale.
What makes this funny for me is that I can actually see this happening!
Funny Moments #2
There were four final year senior students taking chemistry and all of them had an ‘A’ so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to Florida State until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day.
The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.The next day the professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one, in a separate room, thought this was going to be easy … then they turned the page
On the second page was written…
For 95 points: Which tire? _________
Yeah, and they thought they were fooling their professor
I’ve got a couple of jokes for this weeks Friday Funnies. The first is a joke about a lie detecting robot!
The Lie Detecting Robot Joke
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, “I did some schoolwork.”
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, “Ok, Ok. I was at a friend’s house watching movies.”
Dad asks, “What movie did you watch?”
Son says, “Toy Story.”
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, “Ok, Ok, we were watching porn.”
Dad says, “What? At your age I didn’t even know what porn was.”
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, “Well, he certainly is your son.”
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.
I wonder if the robot sale came with a warning notice?
Male or Female?
You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples to highlight exactly what I mean.
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES: Female, because they’re constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they’ve hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.
And so ends another Friday Funnies. Don’t forget to share this post with your friend to brighten up their day.
Looking for more jokes? You’ll find some great sports related jokes at funny sports jokes.
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