Children Are Funny Friday Funnies #140

Children ARE funny! It’s a well known fact. Usually it’s their innocence that makes children funny.  Half the time when you’re laughing at something they’ve said or done they don’t even know why you’re laughing.

Today I got this email full of funny stuff that kids have said that will prove to everyone that children are funny.

The Children Are Funny Series

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead.
‘How do you know that the cat was dead?’ she asked her pupil.
‘Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,’ answered the child innocently.
‘You did WHAT?’ the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
‘You know,’ explained the boy, ‘I leaned over and went ‘Pssst’ and it didn’t move’

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later…..’Da-ad….’
‘What?’
‘I’m thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?’
‘No, You had your chance. Lights out.’
Five minutes later: ‘Da-aaaad…..’
‘WHAT?’
‘I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??’
‘ I told you NO! If you ask again, I’ll have to smack you!!’
Five minutes later…….’Daaaa-aaaad…..’
‘WHAT!’
‘When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?’

3.. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him ‘How do you expect to get into Heaven? ‘
The boy thought it over and said, ‘Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!”

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, ‘Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?’
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
‘I can’t dear,’ she said. ‘I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.’
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: ‘The big sissy.’

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children’s sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, ‘That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?’
The little girl replied, directly into the minister’s clip-on microphone, ‘Yes, and my Mum says it’s a bitch to iron.’

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, ‘Mummy, you are getting fat!’
I replied, ‘Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.’
‘I know,’ she replied, but what’s growing in your bum?’

7.. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, ‘Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine….’
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, ‘What are you doing?’
The little boy answered, ‘I’m doing my math homework, Mum.’
‘And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?’ the mother asked
‘Yes,’ he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, ‘What are you teaching my son in math?’
The teach er replied, ‘Right now, we are learning addition.’
The mother asked, ‘And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?’
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, ‘What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.’

8.. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.. She read, ‘… and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, ‘The sky is falling, the sky is falling!’
The teacher paused then asked the class, ‘And what do you think that farmer said?’
One little girl raised her hand and said, ‘I think he said: ‘Holy Shit! A talking chicken!”
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I’m Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter.’
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, ‘I’m Jane Sugarbrown.’
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, ‘Aren’t you Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter?’
She replied, ‘I thought I was, but mother says I’m not.’

10. A little girl asked her mother, ‘Can I go outside and play with the boys?’
Her mother replied, “No, you can’t play with the boys, they’re too rough.’
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?’

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake The barber says to her, ‘Sweetheart, you’re gonna get hair on your muffin..’
She says, ‘Yes, I know, and I’m gonna get boobs too.’

Now keep that smile on your face and share it with someone else!!

Children are funny

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2014

An Irish Miracle Friday Funnies #139

Yep, it’s time for this weeks Friday Funnies. Once again it’s going to be a really funny Irish joke. It wasn’t quite what I expected in a joke, but it’s funny all the same. This one is all about an Irish miracle.

Murphy’s Irish Miracle

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up. He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it’s a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-down. So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.

He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen. But he won’t say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.

He leads Fr. Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.

“Well,” says the priest, “it’s pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the  floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top.”

“No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!” exclaimed Murphy

“Oh my Lord,” says Fr. Flanagan, “dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It’s a miracle. But wait… it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle. I’ll have to report  this matter to the Bishop and he’ll have to deal with it. He’ll send some people round to interview you, take photos, etc.”

A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome. No expense is spared.

There is great excitement in the town as  Everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.

Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.

“It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place  in Murphy’s kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet  the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle.  All other explanations must be ruled out. Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared ‘No Miracle’ because they think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!”

Irish Miracle

Don’t forget to share…… :drunk_tb:

 

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2014

Old Age Humour Friday Funnies #138

I think its time for some more Old Age Humour for this weeks Friday Funnies.

Old Age Humour #1

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: “Then you used to kiss me.”

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: “Then you used to bite my Neck.”

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

“Where are you going?” she asked.

“To get my teeth!”

Old Age humour

Old Age Humour #2

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds
Her clenched fist in the air and announces, “Anyone who can guess what’s in
My hand can have sex with me tonight!”

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, “An elephant?”

Bessie thinks a minute and says, “Close enough.”

Old age humour1

Old Age Humour #3

As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Vernon, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on M25. Please be careful!”

“Hell,” said Vernon, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”

Old age humour2

While the following video has nothing to do with old age humour it does have other stuff in it that screamed at me to include it in this weeks Friday Funnies. That’s sexy women and the fact that it’s bloody funny. I especially loved the second prank.

Which part of the video did you like the best?

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2014
About Peter Pelliccia"