An Irish Miracle Friday Funnies #139

Yep, it’s time for this weeks Friday Funnies. Once again it’s going to be a really funny Irish joke. It wasn’t quite what I expected in a joke, but it’s funny all the same. This one is all about an Irish miracle.

Murphy’s Irish Miracle

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up. He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it’s a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-down. So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.

He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen. But he won’t say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.

He leads Fr. Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.

“Well,” says the priest, “it’s pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the  floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top.”

“No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!” exclaimed Murphy

“Oh my Lord,” says Fr. Flanagan, “dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It’s a miracle. But wait… it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle. I’ll have to report  this matter to the Bishop and he’ll have to deal with it. He’ll send some people round to interview you, take photos, etc.”

A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome. No expense is spared.

There is great excitement in the town as  Everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.

Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.

“It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place  in Murphy’s kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet  the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle.  All other explanations must be ruled out. Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared ‘No Miracle’ because they think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!”

Irish Miracle

Don’t forget to share…… :drunk_tb:

 

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Old Age Humour Friday Funnies #138

I think its time for some more Old Age Humour for this weeks Friday Funnies.

Old Age Humour #1

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: “Then you used to kiss me.”

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: “Then you used to bite my Neck.”

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

“Where are you going?” she asked.

“To get my teeth!”

Old Age humour

Old Age Humour #2

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds
Her clenched fist in the air and announces, “Anyone who can guess what’s in
My hand can have sex with me tonight!”

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, “An elephant?”

Bessie thinks a minute and says, “Close enough.”

Old age humour1

Old Age Humour #3

As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Vernon, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on M25. Please be careful!”

“Hell,” said Vernon, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”

Old age humour2

While the following video has nothing to do with old age humour it does have other stuff in it that screamed at me to include it in this weeks Friday Funnies. That’s sexy women and the fact that it’s bloody funny. I especially loved the second prank.

Which part of the video did you like the best?

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Fried Eggs Joke Friday Funnies #137

Who would have thought that a joke about fried eggs could be funny. I certainly didn’t. Not until I got this one in my email yesterday.

Making Fried Eggs Causes Stress

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into Fried Eggs Jokethe kitchen. ‘Careful,’ he said, ‘CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them.. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!’

The wife stared at him. ‘What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’ The husband calmly replied, ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.’

Man, until I read this I just didn’t realise how stressful making fried eggs could be.  :cool:

Irish Mail Order Women

Irish Mail Order Brides

Finally, as a wine drinker, I would like to post something that shows why a glass of wine is so much better than a glass of water.

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine. And to those of you who don’t and are always
seen with a bottle of water in your hand.

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) – bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine or beer (or tequila, gin, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:

Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.

Therefore, it’s better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I’m doing it as a public service!

I still thanked the guy who sent me the email. :drunk_tb:

 

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