It’s been a pretty hard week but I always make sure I have enough time to come up with a Friday Funnies post. Today’s Friday Funnies is #167 which means I’ve been doing these posts for over two years. I reckon that’s a pretty good milestone. Truth be told I never thought I’d be able to keep these jokes going for so long. But I’m so glad I have and I plan to keep them coming.
Usually people working for the public service are considered to have a pretty cushy and secure jobs. Unfortunately working for the public service isn’t as safe as it used to be. The following joke tries to poke a bit of fun at those working for the public service.
Public Service Employee Notice For Older People
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much
SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your MP, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
PS – Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off
Talk about looking at the funny side of acronyms
Now for some funny images that have nothing to do with the public service although I’m sure they’ve passed many of these through internal emails.
Mmm, I wonder if those public servants will take up her offer?
OK, maybe the only mushrooms that can really make you laugh are the magic mushroom variety, but the following joke is based around mushrooms and is really funny.
The Mushrooms Smothered Steak Fiasco
She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak, but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them. Her husband suggested, “Why don’t you go pick some of the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream? “No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous.” “Well, I see varmints eating them and they’re OK.” So she picked a bunch of the mushrooms, washed, sliced and sautéed them for her dinner. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a double handful. Spot ate every bite. All morning long, she watched the dog. The wild mushrooms hadn’t affected him after a few hours, so she decided the mushrooms were OK to be served.
The meal was a great success. After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her ear, “Mum, Spot is dead.” Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible, called her doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said, “That’s bad, but I think we can take care of it. I’ll call for an ambulance and I’ll be there as quickly as I can. We’ll give everyone enemas and we’ll pump out their stomachs and everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.” Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road. The paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.
One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomachs. After the last one was done the doctor came out and said, “Everything will be okay now,” and with that he left. The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered sitting around the living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum, “I can’t believe that bloke!” “What bloke ?” “You know, that one who ran over Spot, he never even slowed down!!!!” Want more laughs? Why not check out some killer sports jokes?
Today my sister showed me this really funny video about gun control. It was so funny that I decided that this weeks Friday Funnies should be all about funny gun control jokes. I had it all planned out. I was going to do a gun control jokes for argument versus the gun control jokes against argument.
The problem was there were heaps of jokes that are anti gun control but stuff all that are for gun control jokes. I’ve decided to go with what I could find just so I could share that hilarious video about gun control jokes with you.
The first gun control joke would definitely fit in the anti gun control category.
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me. But grandpa I really don’t like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead.
You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, “TIMES UP”?
Personally I don’t think Americans will ever give up their guns. Their gun lobby is just too strong! Otherwise they wouldn’t keep coming up with stupid arguments to keep their guns. It doesn’t really matter how many kids are murdered or massacres occur it’s always the fault of the shooter rather than the guns themselves.
And they’re totally right. But maybe if the dickhead wasn’t able to get his hands on those guns in the first place those people would still be alive today.
After the Port Arthur massacre massacre John Howard introduced strict gun ownership laws and we haven’t looked back since.
Sorry if it got a little serious there. I just had to set the scene for the following video. In that video Aussie Comedian Jim Jeffries takes the Mickey out of the American gun control issue. He does it in front of an American audience and they absolutely loved it.
Jim Jefferies – US Gun Control Jokes
Word of warning Jim does use profanity as part of his routine so don’t watch it if you can tolerate the occasional swear word.
What made this video so funny for me was that a lot of what Jim had to say made so much sense and the arguments for keeping guns seem laughable.
That’s it for another Friday Funnies. Sure hope you liked it enough to share it around your favourite social media.
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