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Friday Funnies #12 The Funny Side Of Affairs

Welcome good reader to this weeks Friday Funnies. For those of you who are new to WassupBlog Friday is a day that many people look forward to as it’s the day where I entertain my readers to a post that is designed to make you laugh your ass off, or at the very least have a huge smile on your face.

This weeks joke is all about affairs. Now although I disagree with affairs as I believe one should marry for life and if you can’t bear to be with that person any more you get up and leave, you don’t cheat on them. Anyway, this series of jokes show that there can be a humorous side to affairs.

The Funny Side Of Affairs

The First Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home. ‘Where have you been?’ his wife demanded. ‘I can’t lie to you,’ he replied, ‘I’m having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.’ She looked down at his shoes and said: ‘You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf!’

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: ‘There’s no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?’

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: ‘No, not this time!’

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest Johnson He had ever seen!

‘I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,’ the mortician commented, ‘I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.’ So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase  and took it home.

‘I have something to show you won’t believe,’ he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

‘My God!’ the wife exclaimed, ‘Schwartz is dead!’

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. ‘Hurry,’ she said, ‘stand in the corner.’ She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. ‘Don’t move until I tell you,’ she said. ‘Pretend you’re a statue.’

‘What’s this?’ the husband inquired as he entered the room. ‘Oh it’s a statue,’ she replied. ‘The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.’ No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. ‘Here,’ he said to the statue, ‘have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a fukkin thing.’

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. ‘Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one cent.’ ‘One Cent?’ the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: ‘How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?’

‘A nickel,’ the barman replied. ‘A nickel?’ exclaimed the man. ‘Where’s the guy who owns this place?’ The bartender replied: ‘Upstairs, with my wife.’

The man asked: ‘What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?’

The bartender replied: ‘The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.’

The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: ‘I have something I must confess.’ ‘There’s no need to, ‘his wife replied. ‘No,’ he insisted, ‘I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!’

‘I know,’ she replied. ‘Now just rest and let the poison work.’

And now for this weeks video.

Funniest Video Accidents

That’s it guys. Hope you liked this weeks Fridays Funnies and if you did don’t forget to share it by giving it a tweet.

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As Friday rolls around once again it means so many things to so many people but to those of you who come to this blog every week on a Friday it means one thing. That’s right, it’s Fridays Funnies time and todays is the eleventh in the series. I’m happy to say that even though it started off a little slow it seems to be picking up momentum and that is confirmed by a lot of the emails I’ve been getting. Having said that I’m left wondering why some people say they loved the joke so much that they’re going to share it with their friends but then they forget to Tweet it or even to FaceBook Like it.  :dont_know:

But you’re not here to listen to me winge and complain. Nope! You’re here to be entertained, especially because it’s Fridays Funnies Time.

The Smartest Man At The Wedding

Weddings can be so much fun, especially when some of your guests are just a little bit out there. Like this bloke who decided to take advantage of a good situation. Talk about thinking out of the box  :lol_tb:

And now for a little Scottish humor.

Pished ‘n swished in Glasgae

A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgae, worried about her husband’s temper and threatening manner.

The Doc asks: “What’s the problem, Janet?

The woman says: “Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time ma hubbie comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon’.”

The Doctor says: “Aye, well… I have a real good cure for that. When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep.”

Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

She says: “Doctor that was  brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished an’ swished, and he didnae touch me even once! Tell me Doc…wha’s the secret? How’s the water do that?”

The Doctor says: “Janet hen, it’s really nae big secret. The water does bugger all – it’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick…”

OK guys, you have got to love that one!  :drunk_tb:

Now remember, if you really like it do something about it, like give it a Tweet or something  :wink_ee:

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It’s finally here, the day we’ve all been waiting so long for and not just because it’s the day before the weekend either. Yep, today is Friday and we all know what that means don’t we? Yep, it’s Friday Funnies time and have I got some great material for you  :drunk_tb: But before we get to that I want to talk about something that is really quite serious. I’m talking about a filthy habit, one commonly known as smoking.

Unless you’re a smoker most of you would agree that smoking is a pretty bad habit, one with dire consequences. There’s a lot being done in the way of advertising to hopefully quell peoples desire to smoke but unfortunately most of the stuff they’ve come up with just doesn’t work. Until now that is, but even this one is pretty well limited to women only. So, if you have a loved one of the fairer sex who smokes and you want her to quit, the solution is simple. All you have to do is to buy her the cigarettes you see in the image below.

Latest Cigarettes To Help You Quit Smoking

 Cool huh? Heck if I could find an affiliate site for this stuff I would provide you guys with a link to it  :drunk_tb:

OK, now for the joke you’ve all been waiting for.

The Nun At The Airport

A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE AIRPORT, WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO MELBOURNE . SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, ‘I’LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME.’

SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER COIN IN, OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, ‘YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 70KG, AND YOU ARE GOING TO MELBOURNE .’

THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY GIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT THE MORE CURIOUS SHE GOT SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER COIN IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ: ‘YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 70KG, YOU ARE GOING TO MELBOURNE AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A VIOLIN.’

THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, ‘I KNOW THAT IS WRONG – I HAVE NEVER PLAYED
A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE.’ SHE SAT BACK DOWN. FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A MAN CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS VIOLIN
CASE ON THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM. WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED THE MAN’S CASE, TOOK OUT THE VIOLIN, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC.
SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE, THINKING, ‘THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I’VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.’

BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER COIN, AND ANOTHER CARD
CAME OUT. IT READ, ‘YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 70KG , YOU ARE GOING TO
MELBOURNE AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND.’ NOW SHE KNOWS THE
MACHINE IS WRONG, AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, ‘I’VE NEVER BROKEN WIND
IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE.’ BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE
SHE SLIPPED, AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING TO THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND.

ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE.
SHE SAID TO HERSELF, ‘THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE. I’VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN. ‘SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE, PUT IN ANOTHER COIN AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ: ‘YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 70KG, YOU HAVE FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO MELBOURNE .’

I bet she’s cursing those dumb scales now huh?  :lol_ee:

And just to finish this weeks Fridays Funnies with a philosophical note I give to you the following quote.

Life is like a penis – simple, relaxed and hanging free . . .

. . It’s women who make it hard !!

And now it’s over to you, if you liked this weeks Friday’s please leave a comment and don’t forget to share it with those you know by Tweeting it of Liking it on FaceBook. Oh, one final thing, if you have what you think is a really good joke please email it to lottoman@buyonlinelottotickets.com with a link to your site/blog and perhaps some personal details. If I use the joke I will link to your site as a way of my appreciation. Hows that for a bit of extra linkluv?  :welcome:

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As Friday quickly rolls around its with great pleasure that I present you with another Fridays Funnies. I’m really glad that I started this series of posst as it gives me something to look forward to, other than the weekend that is. Strangely enough I never used to look forward to the weekend because for a long period, while self employed, I used to work seven days a week. But that’s the past and now like the majority of the workforce I do have the weekend to look forward to.

The good thing about Fridays Funnies is that even though some of you may work weekends, at least now you have something to look forward to on Fridays. :drunk_tb: OK, OK. enough of the yapping, let’s get on with the funnies :tongue_laugh_ee:

Husband Gets Whats Coming To Him

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT’S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ENERGEX WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON’T THINK SO.

FINE, THEN THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON’T CLOSE RIGHT

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON’T THINK SO Read the rest of this entry

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