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Yep, it’s taken awhile but Friday is finally here and you know what that means don’t you? No, you silly person, although the weekend is just around the corner, nope, it’s Friday Funnies time.  :clap_tb:

Today’s Friday Funnies is all about anger management and how one particular bloke turned it to his advantage.

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know, but you know deserves it.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.A man answered, saying ‘Hello.’ I politely said, ‘This is Chris.Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?’

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear ‘Get the right f***ing number!’And the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn’s correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.After hanging up with her,I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again.

When the same bloke answered the phone, I yelled ‘You’re an arsehole!’
And hung up. I wrote his number down with the word ‘arsehole’ next to it, And put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, ‘You’re an arsehole!’ It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic ‘arsehole’ calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, ‘Giday, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?’ He yelled ‘NO!’ And slammed down the phone.I quickly called him back and said, ‘That’s because you’re an arsehole!’And hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.Some bloke in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.I noticed a ‘For Sale ‘ sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first arsehole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I’d better call the BMW arsehole, too. I said, ‘Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?’ He said, ‘Yes, it is.’ I then asked, ‘Can you tell me where I can see it?’  He said, ‘Yes, I live at 34 Gumtree Blvd. , in Strathfield It’s a yellow outback style house And the car’s parked right out in front.’  I asked, ‘What’s your name?’ He said, ‘My name is Peter Costello.’ I asked, ‘When’s a good time to catch you, Peter?’  He said, ‘I’m home every evening after five.’  I said, ‘Listen, Peter, can I tell you something?’  He said, ‘Yes?’  I said,  ‘Peter, you’re an arsehole!’  Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two arseholes to call. Then I came up with an idea…I called arsehole #1. He said, ‘Hello’ I said, ‘You’re an arsehole!’ (But I didn’t hang up.) He asked, ‘Are you still there?’  I said, ‘Yeah!’  He screamed, ‘Stop calling me’  I said, ‘Make me.’ He asked, ‘Who are you?’  I said, ‘My name is Peter Costello.’ He said, ‘Yeah? Where do you live?’ I said, ‘Arsehole, I live at 34 Gumtree Blvd. , in  Strathfield, a yellow outback style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.’ He said, ‘I’m coming over right now, Peter. And you had better start saying your prayers.’ I said, ‘Yeah, like I’m really scared, arsehole,’ and hung up.

Then I called Arsehole #2. He said,  ‘Hello?’ I said, ‘Hello, arsehole,’ He yelled, ‘If I ever find out who you are…’ I said, ‘You’ll what?’ He exclaimed, ‘I’ll kick your arse’ I answered, ‘Well, arsehole, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.’ Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 Gumtree Blvd , in Strathfield , to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Gumtree Blvd in Strathfield ..

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Strathfield . I got there just in time to watch two arseholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew. NOW I feel much better.

You see, anger management really does work.  :laugh_tb:

And now for this weeks video. It’s a fairly long video but you’re going to love it. I especially loved the old guy who’s trying to pick up all these beautiful young shielas  :devil_tb:

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Everybody needs something to look forward to because if you didn’t have something to look forward to life would be a whole lot drearier. Having something to look forward to makes the day, or even week go faster. Imagine if there wasn’t a weekend, work would be such a chore. Everybody needs to look forward to something, even if it’s just the end of the working day.

This is one of the reasons I came up with Friday’s Funnies and writing the next Friday’s funnies post is something that I look forward to, partly because I love reading the many jokes I get but mainly because I love the feedback from you, my readers. So, without further ado I give Friday Funny’s #15.

The Blonde Mortician

A man who’d just died was delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, ‘I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.’

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly…

She says to the mortician, ‘Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?’

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

‘There’s no charge,’ she says. Read the rest of this entry

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Hey guys, it’s Friday and you all know what that means, or at least you do if you’re a regular reader of this blog. Being a proud Aussie and all I thought that for this weeks Friday Funnies I would regale you with a bit of Aussie humour. And for you Yanks out there, we Aussies spell humour with a ‘u‘ and so that isn’t a misspelling.  :tongue_laugh_ee:

This first joke just goes to show everyone that we Aussies love our country and that all our traditions hold a special place in our hearts. We love our country so much there’d probably be a whole lot of Aussies who believe that a bit of special attention was placed on Australia when the world came into being. Heck, some may even have their own version of creation.  :smoke_tb:

The Aussie Version of Creation

In the beginning God created day and night.

He created day for footy matches, going to the beach…..

And BBQ’s……

He created night for going prawning,

sleeping and BBQ’s, and God saw that it was good.

On the Second Day, God created water….

for surfing, swimming,

and BBQ’s on the beach,

and God saw that it was good. Read the rest of this entry

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Hey guys, welcome to this weeks Friday Funnies #13, but before we get to that let’s have a quick look at Google’s latest PR update. Yep, apparently we had a May Google update and one has to wonder how Google comes up with a website’s PR.The reason I as this is because one of my blogs, Scenic Adelaide, went from PR3 to PR0 and of all my blogs that’s probably the one that provided the most unique content of all my blogs. It also does very well in the Serps for most of its posts because of the uniqueness of those posts.

Just thought I would throw that out, but now let’s get to the funny side of this post.

The Bathtub Test


Bathtub

Bathtub (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

During a visit to the senior’s home, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?

“Well,” said the director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the
teacup.”

“No.” said the director, “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”

Everyone knows that to most people diets are not a laughing matter, they take it very serious and it’s also a multimillion dollar industry. Still that’s no reason not to poke fun at it every now and again. :devil_tb:

The Winalot Diet


Winalot

Winalot (Photo credit: jem)

I don’t like shopping there anyway, but yesterday I was at my local TESCO store buying a bag of Winalot dog food for my dog. I was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

Hellooo, what did she think I had, a porpoise, a wildebeest?

So, since I’m retired and have nothing better to do than wind people up I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I’d lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot biscuits and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with the story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter’s arse and a van hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard and the cashier at the next till wet herself, so they had to close that checkout.

I’m banned from TESCO in Royston now. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

And now for this weeks funny video. I’m sure you’re going to love this one.

Mrs Browns Misunderstanding


 

You can get your very own copy of Mrs Browns Boys DVD!

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