Hey guys, it’s Friday and you all know what that means, or at least you do if you’re a regular reader of this blog. Being a proud Aussie and all I thought that for this weeks Friday Funnies I would regale you with a bit of Aussie humour. And for you Yanks out there, we Aussies spell humour with a ‘u‘ and so that isn’t a misspelling.
This first joke just goes to show everyone that we Aussies love our country and that all our traditions hold a special place in our hearts. We love our country so much there’d probably be a whole lot of Aussies who believe that a bit of special attention was placed on Australia when the world came into being. Heck, some may even have their own version of creation.
The Aussie Version of Creation
In the beginning God created day and night.
He created day for footy matches, going to the beach…..
Hey guys, welcome to this weeks Friday Funnies #13, but before we get to that let’s have a quick look at Google’s latest PR update. Yep, apparently we had a May Google update and one has to wonder how Google comes up with a website’s PR.The reason I as this is because one of my blogs, Scenic Adelaide, went from PR3 to PR0 and of all my blogs that’s probably the one that provided the most unique content of all my blogs. It also does very well in the Serps for most of its posts because of the uniqueness of those posts.
Just thought I would throw that out, but now let’s get to the funny side of this post.
The Bathtub Test
Bathtub (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
During a visit to the senior’s home, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?
“Well,” said the director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”
“Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the
teacup.”
“No.” said the director, “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”
Everyone knows that to most people diets are not a laughing matter, they take it very serious and it’s also a multimillion dollar industry. Still that’s no reason not to poke fun at it every now and again.
The Winalot Diet
Winalot (Photo credit: jem)
I don’t like shopping there anyway, but yesterday I was at my local TESCO store buying a bag of Winalot dog food for my dog. I was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
Hellooo, what did she think I had, a porpoise, a wildebeest?
So, since I’m retired and have nothing better to do than wind people up I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I’d lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot biscuits and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with the story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter’s arse and a van hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard and the cashier at the next till wet herself, so they had to close that checkout.
I’m banned from TESCO in Royston now. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.
And now for this weeks funny video. I’m sure you’re going to love this one.
Mrs Browns Misunderstanding
You can get your very own copy of Mrs Browns Boys DVD!
Welcome good reader to this weeks Friday Funnies. For those of you who are new to WassupBlog Friday is a day that many people look forward to as it’s the day where I entertain my readers to a post that is designed to make you laugh your ass off, or at the very least have a huge smile on your face.
This weeks joke is all about affairs. Now although I disagree with affairs as I believe one should marry for life and if you can’t bear to be with that person any more you get up and leave, you don’t cheat on them. Anyway, this series of jokes show that there can be a humorous side to affairs.
The Funny Side Of Affairs
The First Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home. ‘Where have you been?’ his wife demanded. ‘I can’t lie to you,’ he replied, ‘I’m having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.’ She looked down at his shoes and said: ‘You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf!’
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: ‘There’s no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?’
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: ‘No, not this time!’
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest Johnson He had ever seen!
‘I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,’ the mortician commented, ‘I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.’ So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase and took it home.
‘I have something to show you won’t believe,’ he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
‘My God!’ the wife exclaimed, ‘Schwartz is dead!’
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. ‘Hurry,’ she said, ‘stand in the corner.’ She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. ‘Don’t move until I tell you,’ she said. ‘Pretend you’re a statue.’
‘What’s this?’ the husband inquired as he entered the room. ‘Oh it’s a statue,’ she replied. ‘The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.’ No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. ‘Here,’ he said to the statue, ‘have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a fukkin thing.’
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. ‘Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one cent.’ ‘One Cent?’ the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: ‘How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?’
‘A nickel,’ the barman replied. ‘A nickel?’ exclaimed the man. ‘Where’s the guy who owns this place?’ The bartender replied: ‘Upstairs, with my wife.’
The man asked: ‘What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?’
The bartender replied: ‘The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.’
The 6th & Best Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: ‘I have something I must confess.’ ‘There’s no need to, ‘his wife replied. ‘No,’ he insisted, ‘I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!’
‘I know,’ she replied. ‘Now just rest and let the poison work.’
And now for this weeks video.
Funniest Video Accidents
That’s it guys. Hope you liked this weeks Fridays Funnies and if you did don’t forget to share it by giving it a tweet.
He created night for going prawning,
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