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Divorce Jokes Friday Funnies #331

I know I’ve called this post, divorce jokes but the first of my divorce jokes is more of a funny divorce story.

Curtain Rod Divorce Jokes

You will love this one. It is A STORY TO REMEMBER.divorce jokes

On the first day after his divorce, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light. He put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, a bottle of spring water and 3 cans of sardines.

When he’d finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar, and some sardines into the hollow centre of the curtain rods. He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first, all was bliss. Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end, they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn’t take the stench any longer and decided they had to move, but a month later, even though they’d cut their price in half, they couldn’t find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a considerable sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place

Then the ex-called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell was she agreed on a price that was only a tenth of what the house was worth. But he would have to sign the papers that very day.

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyer delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the woman and her boyfriend were smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home. Also, to despite her ex, she even took the curtain rods!

You just have to love a happy ending, right?

The next of the divorce jokes is about an up and coming divorcee who comes up with a smartarse excuse for the judge.

Divorce Jokes Placating The Judge

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother leapt to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, ‘Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?’

Don’t forget to check out some of my other hilarious jokes. Love funny videos? Then you’ve got to watch my funny laughaholics videos.

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Tennis Jokes Friday Funnies #330

Tennis Jokes That Makes You Laugh

Todays Friday Funnies revolves around a couple of tennis jokes. The first of the tennis jokes happens when a guy finds a brand new tennis ball in a park.

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball and seeing no one around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.

A pretty blonde girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. “What’s that?” she asked, her eyes gleaming with anticipation.

“Tennis ball,” came the breathless reply.

“Oh,” said the blonde sympathetically, “that must be painful! I had tennis elbow once.”

tennis jokes

The next of today’s tennis jokes takes place in a maternity ward.

A married couple go to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. When they arrive, the doctor says they have just taken delivery of a new machine which transfers a portion of the mother’s pain to the father.

“Would you be willing to try it out?” asks the doctor.

“Sure,” says the husband, who is one of those ‘Sensitive New Age Guys’.

As the woman goes into labour, the doctor sets the machine to 10 per cent and asks the man if it hurts.

“No, it’s fine,” he says. The doctor raises the setting to 20 per cent. “Still okay,” says the man. The doctor gradually lifts the setting to 50 per cent. The husband closes his eyes and grits his teeth but insists he can cope without any problem, so the doctor raises it gradually to 75 per cent.

“I can take it,” says the husband. “Give me the full 100 per cent.” So the doctor does, and the wife bears the baby with no pain at all. The doctor goes off to write up the case for The Lancet, while the couple takes their baby home.

On the doorstep, they find the dead body of the wife’s tennis coach.

Serena William Now A Tennis Joke

Serena Williams A Tennis Joke

This cartoon was drawn by Mark Knight, an Australian cartoonist. It depicts Serena William’s dummy spit for which Mark received a lot of condemnation from the Yanks who for some reason support William’s poor sportsmanship. Even to the extent that they booed the poor Japanese girl, Naomi Osaka. What should have been a joyous occasion for her the booing reduced her to tears.

Political cartoonists are known to exaggerate the features of their characters, and that’s all Mark did with Serena. I don’t believe there was any racial intent whatsoever. This article pretty well sums it up but just Google Mark Williams cartoons, and you’ll see just what his caricatures are like. Not picking on Serena at all, except for her poor behaviour on the day.

Don’t forget to check out some of my other hilarious jokes. Love funny videos? Then you’ve got to watch my funny laughaholics videos.

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Nursing Home Jokes Friday Funnies #329

Today’s Friday Funnies, Friday Funnies #329 is all about nursing home jokes. My Friday Funnies has a lot of senior jokes because they’re so popular and I’m sure you’ll agree that today’s nursing home jokes are no exception.

Nursing Home Jokes For Seniors

On her first day at the Senior Complex, the new manager addressed all the seniors pointing out some of her rules: “The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males and the male dormitory to the females.”

“Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.”

She continued, “Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?”

At this point, an older gentleman stood up in the crowd inquired: “How much for a Season Pass?”

nursing home jokes

How about this one for a great addition to my nursing home jokes.

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems ok, but after a while, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while, she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. “So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they ask.

“It’s pretty nice,” she replies. “Except they won’t let you fart.”

I found that nursing home joke here. As you know, you can get heaps more laughs by browsing the rest of my Friday Funnies. You could even check out my funny Laughaholics videos. Speaking of which, I think you’ll love my latest YouTube video.


That video has two really funny jokes. One about the funniest lie detector robot and the other about a gay ranch hand that gets into trouble with his sexy boss.

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Employment Jokes Friday Funnies #328

I don’t think I’ve done a Friday Funnies post about employment jokes before so this week’s Friday Funnies is about employment jokes.

Employment Jokes On The Murray

Looking for an excellent job on the Murray River??

Sally Mulligan of Paddington NSW decided to take one of the jobs that most Australians are not willing to do.

Sally applied for a job in a lemon grove and seemed to be far too qualified for the job. She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Adelaide and had worked as a social worker and a school teacher.

The foreman frowned and said, “I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons ??”

“Well, as a matter of fact, I have,” she said. “I’ve been divorced three times, owned two Jeeps, voted twice for Labor, and once for Clive Palmer.”

She starts in the morning.

Employment Jokes

Created with The Creator

Lawyer Employment Jokes

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he’s smarter being a prominent lawyer from New York and has a better education than a sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration.

The lawyer asks, “What for?”

The sheriff responds, “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”

The lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”

“You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration please,” said the sheriff impatiently.

The lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration, and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”

The sheriff says, “That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle.” The lawyer steps out, and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, “Do you want me to stop or just slow down?”

Next, I video with two of the funniest jokes ever. The second of the two jokes definitely fits in the employment jokes category.


Check out some of my other funny jokes or my Laughaholics Video Playlist.

 

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